Richard Bastard

The National Westminster Bank admitted last month that it keeps personal information about its customers-such as their political affiliation-on computer. But now Computer Weekly reveals that a financial institution, sadly unnamed, has gone one better and moved into the realm of personal abuse.


The institution decided to mailshot 2000 of its richest customers, inviting them to buy extra services. One of its computer programmers wrote a program to search through its databases and select its customers automatically. He tested the program with an imaginary customer called Rich Bastard.

Unfortunately, an error resulted in all 2000 letters being addressed "Dear Rich Bastard". The luckless programmer was subsequently sacked.

FYI:  Snopes - Rich Bastard

Too bad they didn't have a customer actually named Richard Bastard.  Coulda covered their asses with him.

Superbowl Sunday Silliness

In honor of a big day for (American) football:

AHHHHHH!!  His head must still be in the helmet!!

Seriously, you couldn't pay me enough to do this...

Well, I don't think so anyway.  Make an offer and we'll see.

Let's leave these two alone for some privacy, shall we?

Moving on...

You need to be in great physical shape to be an athlete.

Or maybe not.

Punting the balls.

Spritz Ditz

I work at a high end department store.  Do you know those annoying women who stand around and try to spray you with perfume?  Well, the one at our store was a very nervous young girl.  She would stammer and stutter when asking to spray people, and when she would finally get one to agree, she would be so rattled that she would never check to see which way the spray nozzle was pointing.  She'd just grab her bottle and spray away.  This resulted in people who never agreed to being sprayed getting it from two feet away, pissing them off royally.  The fancy dress section she stood next to got such a good dosing that at lot of the clothes had droplet marks on them from the perfume and reeked of it - not good for sales.  The final straw was when she raised her spray bottle from hell and sprayed a woman - right in her left eye.

What's the problem with that?  Who doesn't want a fragrant eyeball?  The burning subsides eventually, and the resulting scent can be quite lovely.

WGASA

Some years ago, the famous San Diego Zoo opened a second, larger branch called the San Diego Wild Animal Park. The Park is built around an enormous open-field enclosure where the animals roam free. To see the animals, visitors ride on a monorail called the Wgasa Bush Line which circles the enclosure. Here's the true story of how the Wgasa Bush Line got its name.


They wanted to give the monorail a jazzy, African sounding name. So they sent out a memo to a bunch of zoo staffers saying, "What shall we call the monorail at the Wild Animal Park?" One of the memos came back with "WGASA" written on the bottom. The planners loved it and the rest is history. What the planners didn't know was that the zoo staffer had not intended to suggest a name. He was using an acronym which was popular at the time. It stood for "Who gives a sh*t anyhow?"

I came across this one and thought "Nah, can't be true."  But Snopes says it's true! Yay!

What sort of employee answers a memo with "Who gives a sh*t?"  Probably one that wants to get fired.  Instead of fired, though, he became the employee that named a monorail after poop. 

But then again, WGASA.

Does This Water Taste Funny To You?

I spotted a horrifying co-worker story in the news:

Charges Filed In Water Bottle Fouling Incident

By Amanda H. Miller, Jackson Hole, Wyo.

November 8, 2008


A Jackson man faces three misdemeanor charges after police matched his DNA to semen in a co-worker’s water bottle.


Brandon Raz, 38, was issued a summons Wednesday to appear Nov. 20 in 9th Circuit Court. He is charged with two counts of battery and one count of stalking after authorities say he ejaculated into a woman’s water bottle.


The woman told police Oct. 9 that she picked up her water bottle once in September and drank from it before she realized it tasted and smelled like semen. She rinsed it out and didn’t say anything about it to co-workers, according to an affidavit filed in circuit court, and she started taking her water bottle home with her.

Between August and September, she also found rolled up tape on her bike seat on four occasions. She left her water bottle on her desk over the weekend in early October and came in Oct. 9 to find that the water again smelled of semen. She reported the incidents to police.

Jackson police collected voluntary cheek swabs from 35 male employees where the woman works for the Town of Jackson, police said.


The Wyoming State Crime Lab would have taken more than two months to return DNA results, Jackson police Sgt. Scott Terry said.

So investigators conducted interviews and identified a suspect, a co-worker at the Town of Jackson. They sent his DNA sample off to a private crime lab, which charged about $2,500 to process it, Terry said.

Raz admitted to police that he ejaculated into the woman’s water bottle on two occasions, according to court records. Each misdemeanor carries a maximum penalty of up to six months in jail and a maximum fine of $750.

What a strange investigation process that had to be for the male employees.  I can only imagine the police questioning:

Have you ever, at any time, jizzled in a co-workers drinking water bottle?

I imagine this guy wasn't invited for birthday cake in the conference room after this.  "Hey, that white cake icing strangely resembles....."

*gag*

Sunday Funday

Signs, signs, everywhere there's signs....

"If I could write for the free help, then I wouldn't need it, would I?!?"

Angelina Jolie was seen taking advantage of this sale.

How do you go about proving that they qualify for the free stuff?

Go toward your own butt.  Apparently it will lead you to the restrooms.

Ah, romance.  Pork the one you love.

Very clever usage of a disposed appliance.  Not good for the environment, but definitely clever.

I Love Chicken!

This has nothing to do with co-workers or jobs or anything, but so bizarre I had to share...

Apparently this guy has great love for his chicken.  Note him cuddling and playing with it on the floor of an NYC subway train...




The chicken part is definitely nutty, but what's crazier to me is having voluntary bodily contact with the floor of a New York City subway car.  Now THAT'S insanity.

Ew.

On a side note, where does one get a live chicken in the middle of a city?