Crazy People I've Worked With

Dick Chop

2010-10-28T12:02:00.001-04:00

This, my friends, is the most serendipitous name reflecting a person's profession - EVER. I present to you:

Dr. Richard Chopp

Click here for Dr. Dick Chop's Website

“There are more vasectomies to be done”

AREAS OF SPECIAL INTEREST

Dr. Richard (Dick) Chopp is well known in the Austin community for performing Vasectomies. He also enjoys treating patients with metabolic evolution of kidney stone disease, male endocrine urology disorders, prostate disease and Peyronie's disease. He has extensive laparoscopy surgery experience, is on the transplant team and performs Living Donor Nephrectomy. He is a Principal Investigator and Sub-Investigator on selected research.

It's amazing he actually chose Dick as his nickname. Not Rich or Rick or Richie. Either he's oblivious to the connotations, or he has a fabulous sense of humor. If it's the latter, then Dr. Chopp, I kinda love you.

10 Most Disgusting Things Found in Food

2010-10-21T12:50:00.000-04:00

I saw this and had to share - it fits loosely with the idea of coworkers, because SOMEONE had to work with the people who managed to get this crap (literal crap, in one case) in the products, right? Right?

Aw, screw it if it doesn't fit the theme. Bon Apetit!

10 Most Disgusting Things Found in Food - Oddee.com

When Cate Barrett bought a jar of tikka masala sauce from her local Asda store, she was expecting it to contain a bit of a kick. But what she wasn't expecting to find was the dead mouse which had somehow ended up in the jar - along with the rest of her favorite sauce. The nursery worker had begun making dinner for herself and her boyfriend, Nigel, when she poured the sauce into the pan, and noticed it was a little lumpy. As she began stirring the sauce through, she noticed what looked like whiskers and a tail - and immediately knew it was a dead rodent. The couple took the dead animal and the jar of Asda Extra Special sauce back to the shop where a manager apologized and said it would be sent for examination.

A woman in Northern Ireland discovered part of an oven glove baked into her slice of bread - and she didn't even notice it until she began eating it. The loaf had been bought from a local shop just before Christmas. When the victim discovered the contamination, she reported the matter to the environmental health section of the council. The packet turned out to be full of shreds of the hessian-type cloth. Herefordshire-based Hovis makers Premier Foods were fined £750.

An American mother went to a McDonald's with her two 6 and 8 -year old children.
She ordered two Happy Meals with chicken for the children and a hamburger with fries for herself. While they were eating, the 6-year old was more interested in the slide across the street than in the chicken nuggets which he didn't even touch. So the mother decided she would eat them. Without actually watching what she was doing she was bringing a chicken biggest to her mouth, just when her 8-year old son yelled not to eat it. So she looked at the biggest to find that -- despite the crust, it looked just like a chicken's head.The manager offered them their meal for free and two more weeks of free meals. The mother pressed charges and demanded 100,000 dollars compensation

A Queens, N.Y. man sued his local Subway restaurant after he made a frightening discovery that gives new meaning to his former favorite, the Italian cold-cut trio: a knife baked right into the bun. John Agnesini, 27, was shocked to find the surprise ingredient, and a large one at that, in his sandwich. The design director of HX magazine was sitting at his computer doing work and not looking at what he was about to put into his mouth. Agnesini said he didn't bite into the knife's blade and wasn't cut, but a few hours later, he said he felt sick to his stomach and went to his doctor.

Fred DeNegri was grilling in his backyard when he cracked open a can of Diet Pepsi, took a thirsty gulp and immediately started gagging. The flavor of his Pepsi was rank and the texture was thick like slime. He immediately took it to a sink and shook out the contents until something resembling "pink linguini" slid out, followed by "dark stuff”. Despite persistent shaking, a heavy object remained inside the can. Completely disgusted, the DeNegris immediately called poison control and the FDA, and the can was taken in for lab testing to identify the source of the sludgy mess. The couple received a copy of the completed report from the Food and Drug Administration Office of Regulatory Affairs, which concluded the foreign matter appeared to be a frog or a toad.

A man found part of a severed finger packed inside a pint of frozen custard he'd bought from a Kohl's Frozen Custard shop, and officials said it belonged to a worker injured in a food-processing machine accident there. The customer, Clarence Stowers, said he put the finger in his mouth, thinking it was a piece of candy when he opened the pint at home. Stowers said he spat the object out, and "I said, 'God, this ain't no nut!' So I came in here to the kitchen and rinsed it off with water and realized it was a human finger and I just started screaming."

The custard shop owner, Craig Thomas, said that the 23-year-old employee who lost the finger had dropped a bucket while working with a machine that dispenses the custard. He tried to catch the bucket when the accident occurred. Thomas said that as several employees tried to help the injured worker, a drive-thru window attendant apparently scooped the chocolate custard into a pint before being told what had happened.

In Feb. 2002 a woman was eating a bowl of clam chowder at a McCormick and Schmick's seafood restaurant in Irvine, CA, when she bit down on something rubbery. She thought it was a piece of calamari, but when she spit it out into her napkin she discovered that it was a condom. She immediately complained and the restaurant manager took the condom from her. The woman later sued and won an undisclosed settlement from the restaurant. The restaurant itself tried to sue the supplier of the clam chowder, but a judge ruled in favor of the supplier.

A man almost ate this cockroach, found inside a packet of GoldenBoy crispy anchovy snack. The cockroach was difficult to spot initially as it was coated with sesame seeds, making it blend together with the snack. He had bought a 'GoldenBoy crispy anchovy snack' and almost ate a small cockroach after eating about 1/3 of the snack. The cockroach even had sesame seeds on it, which means that it came along with the anchovies inside

A man from Boston found a living black widow spider in a bag of grapes bought at the Whole Foods Market in Brighton. Jorge Fuertes reached into the bag, pulled out some grapes and saw something black fall out and run away. He thought it was an ant, so he looked in the bag and found a southern black widow spider. He spit out his mouthful of grapes and noticed the spider's telltale red hourglass on its belly. He put it in a yogurt cup and went back to the store to let them know what had happened. A manager told Fuertes the entire shipment of Anthony's brand organic red seedless grapes would be removed from the shelves. In a statement Whole Foods said spiders are part of the landscape at their California grower and "although we are very cautious when unpacking produce, sometimes insects are not detected." A black widow bite is rarely deadly, but its neurotoxic venom is painful. It can bring on muscle cramps, vomiting, and dizziness, especially in young children and the elderly.

A family accused chefs of serving poop in their ice cream after they complained about noise during a football match. A bitter row broke out between them and one of Sydney's largest tourist pubs. State government food minister Ian Macdonald confirmed that frozen fecal matter had been found in a serving of chocolate gelato offered to placate pub patron Steve Whyte and his wife Jessica, who became "violently ill" after eating it. Staff at the Coogee Bay Hotel, located just a few minutes south of Bondi Beach, denied the charge. Both the chef and restaurant manager volunteered for DNA tests to prove their innocence. Both sides have accused the other of money seeking, with the Whyte's claiming they were offered $5,000 (£1,500) in hush money by pub General Manager Tony Williams, while they in turn were accused of trying to negotiate up to $1 million in damages.

Maybe it's just me, but if you're okay with eating crispy anchovy snacks I don't see how a crispy cockroach would bother you all that much. Blech.

More Resume Idiocy....

2010-08-14T11:04:00.000-04:00

These blunders are courtesy of Robert Half International's Resumania.:

"SKILLS: Committed to meeting deadline."
Just one?

"HOBBIES: Michael Bolton."
That's a first.

"SKILLS: I'm try-lingual."
She either speaks three languages or has trouble with just one.

"COVER LETTER: I host a superlative proficiency for resolving complex systematic problems. I have pedagogic expertise conducting sales, and I can be quickly utilized as an assiduous, visceral and proactive problem solver."
Easy for you to say.

"EQUIPMENT: Human brain 1.0."
We'll wait for the upgrade.

"POSITION DESIRED: Profreader."
It doesn't look good...

"DATE OF EMPLOYMENT: 2002-9999."
She's earned her gold watch!

"EDUCATIONAL ACHIEVEMENTS: Maintained a 2.0 GPA."
We can't "C" why you highlighted this fact.

"REFERENCES: Scott."
We'll need a little more to go on.

"EXPERIENCE: Demonstrated ability in multi-tasting."
You'll love our vending machine.

"EXPERIENCE: Only employee of a small distribution company."
Can't get much smaller than that.

"APPLICATION: Q: How large was the department you worked in with your last company? "A: 3 stories."
OK ... Then, approximately how many people sat on each floor?

"PERSONAL: I can describe myself in three words: committed, hard working, and very strategic thinking."
That's seven words.

"REASON FOR LEAVING: Pushed aside so the vice president's girlfriend could steal my job."
We're glad you're not bitter.

"OFFICE EQUIPMENT: Stapler."
Did you find it tough to master?

"EXPERIENCE: "Responsibilities included recruiting, screening, interviewing and executing final candidates."
Seems kind of harsh ...

"EXPERIENCE: I was brought in as a turnaround consultant to help turn the company around."
Sounds like you may be going in circles.

"COMPENSATION: My compensation should be at least equal to my age."
And bonuses "tied to" your shoe size?

"WORK EXPERIENCE: Responsibilities included checking customers out."
And then did you rank them on a scale of 1-to-10?

"CURRENT SALARY: $36,000. Salary desired: $250,000."

Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

Sunday Silliness

2010-08-01T12:46:00.000-04:00

Check out engrish.com for more funny translations...

Well, at least they supply the fork so you can eat your big dump.

WTF kind of nails require this manicure set?!?!

In their defense, you do have to remove a pin to make it function, like a grenade. But that's where the similarities end as far as I can tell.

Damn, there goes my plans to barf on the floor while simultaneously rubbing myself on the wall.

Wash in coleslaw. Makes sense to me.

Amusing Resume Mistakes

2010-07-28T12:58:00.000-04:00

These are quite amusing.....

Resume Mistakes That Keep Hiring Managers Amused But Cost You the Interview
By Barbara Safani

Think resume typos are no big deal? Last year, Accountemps, a temporary staffing firm, interviewed 150 senior executives from some of the nation's largest companies. Forty percent of the respondents said that just one typo on a resume would cause the candidate to be eliminated. Thirty-six percent said it would take just two mistakes before the resume was put in the "no" pile. Here are some of my favorite resume bloopers I found via Job Mob, Resume Hell, and Zimbio. Obviously spell-check isn't all it's cracked up to be.

Objective: Seeking a party-time position with room for advancement
Professional headline: 1 year old marketing executive
Achievement: Planned new corporate facility at $3M over budget.
Explanation of employment gap: career break in 1999 to renovate my horse
References: Referees available upon request
Skills: I am a rabid typist
Strengths: Impersonal skills
Hobbies: Enjoy cooking Chinese and Italians
Education: College: August 1880 to May 1984
Cover letter: I would like to assure you that I am a hardly working person.

And just how much information on a resume is too much?

Objective: To have my skills and ethics challenged on a regular basis
Personal Information: Married, eight children, prefer frequent travel
Language Skills: Exposure to German for two years-but many words are inappropriate for business
Reason for leaving last job: the owner gave new meaning to the word paranoia
Achievements: Nominated for prom queen
Education: Finished eighth in a class of ten
Interests: Gossiping
Awards: National record for eating 45 eggs in two minutes
References: Bill, Tom, Eric - but I don't know their phone numbers
Salary: The higher the better
Cover letter: Please disregard the attached resume; it's totally outdated

Sunday Silliness

2010-05-30T11:42:00.000-04:00

I love live TV:

Say What?!?

2010-05-27T10:00:00.001-04:00

43 Things Actually Said In Job Interviews

By Rachel Zupek, CareerBuilder.com writer

"I'm not wanted in this state."
"How many young women work here?"
"I didn't steal it; I just borrowed it."
"You touch somebody and they call it sexual harassment!"
"I've never heard such a stupid question."
Believe it or not, the above statements weren't overhead in bars or random conversations -- they were said in job interviews.
Maybe you were nervous, you thought the employer would appreciate your honesty, or maybe you just have no boundaries. Whatever the reason, you can be certain that you shouldn't tell an interviewer that it's probably best if they don't do a background check on you. (And yes, the hiring manager remembered you said that.)
We asked hiring managers to share the craziest things they've heard from applicants in an interview. Some are laugh-out-loud hysterical, others are jaw dropping -- the majority are both. To be sure, they will relieve anyone who has ever said something unfortunate at a job interview -- and simply amuse the rest of you.

Hiring managers shared these 43 memorable interview responses:

Why did you leave your last job?
1. "I have a problem with authority." - Carrie Rocha, COO of HousingLink

Tell us about a problem you had with a co-worker and how you resolved it
2. "The resolution was we were both fired."- Jason Shindler, CEO, Curvine Web Solutions

What kind of computer software have you used?
3. "Computers? Are those the black boxes that sit on the floor next to the desks? My boss has one of those. He uses it. I don't have one. He just gives me my schedule and I follow it." - Greg Szymanski, director of human resources, Geonerco Management, Inc

What are your hobbies and interests?
4. [He said] 'Well, as you can see, I'm a young, virile man and I'm single -- if you ladies know what I'm saying.' Then he looked at one of the fair-haired board members and said, 'I particularly like blondes.'" - Petri R.J. Darby, president, darbyDarnit Public Relations

Why should we hire you?
5. "I would be a great asset to the events team because I party all the time." - Bill McGowan, founder, Clarity Media Group

Do you have any questions?
6. "Cross dressing isn't a problem is it?" - Barry Maher, Barry Maher & Associates
7. "If you were a fruit, what fruit would you be?" - Megan Garnett, Articulate Leadership Team, Articulate Communications Inc.
8. "What do you want me to do if I cannot walk to work if it's raining? Can you pick me up?" - Christine Pechstein, career coach
9. "I was a Chamber of Commerce Executive once hiring a secretary. [The candidate asked] 'What does a Chamber of Commerce do?'" - Mary Kurek, Mary Kurek, Inc. Visibility Consulting
10. "Can we wrap this up fairly quickly? I have someplace I have to go." - Bruce Campbell, vice president of marketing, Clare Computer Solutions
11. "What is your company's policy on Monday absences?" - Campbell
12. "If this doesn't work out can I call you to go out sometime?" - Christine Bolzan, founder of Graduate Career Coaching
13. "How big do the bonuses really get once you make associate? I hear it's some serious cash." - Bolzan
14. "[The candidate asked,] 'Can my dad call you to talk about the job and the training program? He is really upset I'm not going to medical school and wants someone to explain the Wall Street path to him.' The dad did call. Then that dad's friends called and I ended up doing a conference call with a group of concerned parents ... long story." - Bolzan
15. "If I get an offer, how long do I have before I have to take the drug test?" - Bolzan
16. "When you do background checks on candidates, do things like public drunkenness arrests come up?" - Bolzan
17. "Can I get a tour of the breast pumping room? I heard you have a great one here and while I don't plan on having children for at least 10 or 12 years, I will definitely breast feed and would want to use that room."- Bolzan
18. "So, how much do they pay you for doing these interviews?" - Jodi R.R. Smith, Mannersmith Etiquette Consulting

Why are you leaving your current job?
19. "Because I (expletive) my pants every time I enter the building." - Abbe Mortimore, Human Resources Manager, True Textiles, Inc.
20. "I was fired from my last job because they were forcing me to attend anger management classes." - Smith

Why are you looking for a job?
21. "Cigarettes are getting more expensive, so I need another job." - Pechstein
22. "My parents told me I need to get a job so that is why I'm here." - McGowan

Why do you want to work for us?
23. "Just for the benefits." - Jennifer Juergens, JJ Communications
24. "My old boss didn't like me, so one day, I just left and never came back. And here I am!" - Matt Cowall, communications manager, Appia Communications
25. "I saw the job posted on Twitter and thought, why not?" - Rebecca Gertsmark Oren, Communications Director at The Rudd Center for Food Policy and Obesity

What are your assets? (as in strengths)
26. "Well, I do own a bike." - Pam Venné, principal, The Venné Group

What are your weaknesses?
27. "I get angry easily and I went to jail for domestic violence. But I won't get mad at you." - Pechstein
28. "I had a job candidate tell me that she often oversleeps and has trouble getting out of bed in the morning." - Linda Yaffe, certified executive coach
29. "I am an alcoholic and do not deserve this job." - Deb Bailey, owner, Power Women Magazine & Radio Show
30. "I'm really not a big learner. You know ... some people love learning and are always picking up new things, but that's just not me. I'd much rather work at a place where the job is pretty stagnant and doesn't change a lot." - Michaele Charles, Voice Communications

When have you demonstrated leadership skills?
31. "Well my best example would be in the world of online video gaming. I pretty much run the show; it takes a lot to do that." - Rachel Croce

Is there anything else I should know about you?
32. "You should probably know I mud wrestle on the weekends." - Venne

When can you start?
33. "I need to check with my mom on that one." - Bolzan

Use three adjectives to describe yourself
34. "I hate questions like this." - Katrina Meistering, manager of outreach, National Fatherhood Initiative

Tell of a time you made a mistake and how you dealt with it
35. "I stole some equipment from my old job, and I had to pay for its replacement." - Meistering

Have you submitted your two weeks' notice to your current employer?
36. "What is two weeks' notice? I've never quit a job before, I've always been fired." - Meistering

Random responses
37. "One guy [said] 'it would probably be best' if I didn't run a background check on him. Of course, I did, and learned all about his long, sordid past of law-breaking. Our client actually offered him a job as a staff accountant, but quickly retracted the offer when I had to tell them all about his recent arrest for a meth lab in his basement." - Charles
38. "[A] guy said he did not have a mailing address, as he was living in a gypsy camp at the airport." - Sandra L. Flippo, SPHR
39. "I went into the lobby to pick up a candidate. As he stood up, his trousers fell to the floor! [He said] 'Oh, my gosh -- they told me I needed a suit for the interview. I've got no money -- so I borrowed this thing. It's too big!'" - Beth Ross, executive and career coach
40. "Wow -- I'm not used to wearing dress shoes! My feet are killing me. Can I show you these bloody blisters?" - Bolzan
41. "May I have a cup of coffee? I think I may still be a little drunk from last night." - Smith
42. (During a telephone call to schedule the interview) "Can we meet next month? I am currently incarcerated." - Smith
43. "[A candidate] was asked whether he could advocate impartially on behalf of the various universities he would be representing since he had attended one of them. He responded, 'Well, I don't like to poop where I eat, but I thought my education sucked, so I certainly wouldn't put that school above the others.'" - Darby

Crazy Child-Care Interviews

2010-05-25T10:00:00.000-04:00

Crazy Child-Care Interviews

While working as the director of a child-care and preschool facility, I often interviewed many people for positions like preschool teacher or school-bus driver. Surprisingly, many of the applicants were rejected, because in a nutshell, there was no way that I was going to let them within ten feet of a kid, let alone trust them in a room alone with a while classroom full of them. These are some of the crazy things I have heard over the years from those that thought they would make perfect preschool teachers:

Question: How long have you worked in the child development field?
Answer: "Well, I was a kid for like 12 years or so but I grew up fast so maybe 10 years of experience being a child."
Answer: "I was a teacher for about five years before I went to jail for killing my boyfriend, cause he slept with this girl, so now I am trying to get back into teaching."

Question: Do you have a criminal record that may prevent you from working with kids?
Answer: "I have a criminal record but there were not kids involved, so yeah, I can work with kids."
Answer: "I was busted a while ago for DUI, but now I am real careful when I drive drunk."
Answer: "What exactly do you mean by criminal?"

Question: What makes you want to work with children (asked to a male teaching candidate)?
Answer: "Well, honestly, I have heard that you can meet a lot of single moms in this profession."

Question: You said that you were terminated from the last school you worked at, what was the reason?
Answer: "Well, they said I hit this kid. But I didn't, I just pushed him a little, so they fired me."
Answer: "There was this one kid that I hated and I kinda got pissed off and smacked him – but I am sure I will like all the kids here and that would never happen."

Question: What qualities do you have that would make you work well with young children?
Answer: "Well, I am really immature so I can relate to them and I also like to play with toys and video games. I think that they would like that."

Question: Is there anything else you would like to tell me about yourself?
Answer: "Well, I want to make at least $40,000 a year." (This person had no experience, had just graduated from high school and showed up in sweats and a t-shirt that said "Bite me.")
Answer: "Yes, I wanted to know if you wanted to have dinner with me later and maybe a drink. I think you're really pretty."
Answer: "Yes, I was wondering how long I have until I have to take a drug test. I am going to need a few days at least."
Answer: "I was wondering what the policy was on drinking on your lunch break." (The person was interviewing to be a bus driver.)
Answer: "Do I really have to teach them stuff or can I just babysit them?"
Answer: "If you hire me today can you give me an advance on my first paycheck? I've got a lot of bills to pay."
Needless to say once I got these answers, the interview was over.
– By Richel Newborg

Job Hunting While Under the Influence

2010-05-24T14:34:00.000-04:00

Say What? Shocking Interview Stories

By Jenny Peters

We've all had that perfect job interview at least once in our lives, when everything clicks. It's that moment when both interviewer and interviewee realize that each has found exactly what the other is looking for, a moment of happy bliss.
But then there are the other times, those moments when a job interview goes horribly wrong. Perhaps not so funny as it is actually happening, but afterward you can't help but laugh at how strange, bizarre, downright weird the experience was. We asked both recruiters and job applicants to recount the oddest things said in a job interview; and you won't believe some of the things we heard.

Job Hunting While Under the Influence

My first job out of college was working for a big box retailer in their management-training program. Throughout my time there, I interviewed over 1,000 candidates from all walks of life. Far and away the one that I remember the most was with a young male applying for an overnight position.
The least of his problems was that he showed up to the interview 15 minutes late, wearing jeans and a hooded sweatshirt. It went downhill from there.
After a few minutes of questioning, he turned the tables on me and asked, "Why do I have to answer these stupid questions anyway?"
Then followed up immediately with, "You know what, I'm drunk. Can't you just give me the job now so I can leave?"
As I began to list the already large amount of reasons why he couldn't work for us, he pulled a beer out of his pocket to sip on while he was listening.
As any good young professional would do, I asked two of my peers to join me, to continue the interview as if he was a promising candidate, since there was no way they would have believed my story if I hadn't proved it to them.
– By Joe Arends

More interview stories tomorrow....

Sunday Silliness

2010-05-23T10:00:00.000-04:00

Don't be the first one to pass out at a party...or else!

I think he's sporting about a B-cup, wouldn't you say?

And his belly button is named Richard.

Commuting gets very, very tiring.

Is that a playground? Now that's klass with a capital K!

The orange wax-like hand of the prankster intrigues me much more than the passed out dude.

Aw, he probably went in to help her hold her hair back, but then realized that the cold tile floor, stall wall and general public bathroom funk looked oh-so-comfortable.

From the I Hope That's Not Permanent Marker files:

How in the hell do you sleep through all that?!?!

The stress of finding nuts can turn anyone to the bottle.

Shot Through The Heart....

2010-05-20T15:02:00.000-04:00

My boss got so wasted at an office happy hour one evening that while he was trying to show everyone what a great dart player he is, he accidentally impaled one of his employees in the chest with a metal dart.

I love this one sentence wonder.

By the way, I am also a very bad dart player whose confidence in her skills increases after a few beers. Just a warning to ya all.

This one was sharp (heh), MotoCheese!

I Wonder Why He Didn't Get The Part?

2010-05-18T10:00:00.001-04:00

Crazy actors seem to abound. The truly insane part here is him thinking he can actually sing. My dog howling for a treat sounds better:

I also love the fact that he's got a bad case of the crazy eyes. Absolutely precious.

G-Shot

2010-05-17T10:00:00.002-04:00

Those new reporters say the darndest things....

Sunday Funday

2010-05-16T10:00:00.000-04:00

As these vintage ads show, apparently, in the past, drugs were no biggie:

Seems they were also know as "Black Beauties".

AKA Meth-amphetamine.

By the way, this soothing syrup was 65% morphine. Now that IS soothing.

Cocaine - at your local soda fountain.

How to deal with a crisis: see above.

In the 70s Quaaludes made for one happy dad.

Poker Face

2010-05-14T22:56:00.000-04:00

My old boss was a complete arrogant a$$hole. He would have parties at his big old house just to show off to his employees how rich he was, and attendance was pretty mandatory - you'd be on his sh*t list for months of you didn't go. At these parties, the whole night would pretty much revolve around him telling stories about his latest vacation/safari/boat purchase.

At one party, he decided to demonstrate his latest golf success. He picked up a fireplace poker and re-enacted his swing at the country club, managing to whack his secretary on the head with it in the process. Chaos ensued as blood poured form her head, but my boss just looked annoyed at the whole thing and went into the kitchen to refresh his martini. As people debated who would drive her to the hospital for stitches, he said "Well don't look at me, I just had my car cleaned".

So he got a hole in one - a hole in one secretary's head that is.

Sounds like a fun party, JeromeB.!

Valley Ho High-Heeled Assault

2010-05-13T12:29:00.000-04:00

I just love this one due to the hotel name....

Valley Ho High Heeled Assault

Escort bludgeoned hotel valet for calling yellow cab instead of sedan

MAY 12--A female escort wielding a high-heeled shoe is facing an assault rap after she allegedly used the footwear to beat a valet bloody outside the Hotel Valley Ho in Scottsdale, Arizona, according to police. Jennifer Thomas, 26, was arrested early yesterday in connection with the Monday night attack on the 27-year-old male victim, who was injured after Thomas hit him in the head with the shoe. The heel's tip struck his scalp, "causing him to begin profusely bleeding," according to Scottsdale Police Department reports. "The gash was consistent with the size of the bottom of a high heel shoe." The unprovoked assault apparently was triggered after Thomas--who was wearing a miniskirt and had been drinking in the upscale hotel's bar--asked the valet to call her a cab. When a "standard Yellow Cab" arrived, Thomas, pictured in the mug shot below, became irate, saying, "I'm not fucking getting into that. Who do you think I am?" She added that hotel employees "should know I need a sedan." After a second vehicle was summoned--this time a Lincoln Town Car--Thomas removed a shoe and, "without prompt," took a "violent swing" at the valet. Though the man slipped the first blow, "before he could react again the woman used the same heel, held in her right hand, and hit him on the left side of the head." Directing the Lincoln's driver to "go, go, go!!!," Thomas fled the scene in the fancier ride, but was collared a few hours later at her Phoenix apartment. Following her arrest, which was first reported by the Scottsdale Arizona News blog, Thomas "confessed to the assault," but "claimed she was provoked by hotel staff," according to investigators. An arrest report, which lists Thomas's occupation as "upscale companion escort," notes that she was charged with assault, disorderly conduct, and possession of an invalid driver's license, all misdemeanors. The victim, who was "crying, shaking and talking loudly" when interviewed by cops, was treated at the scene by paramedics, but declined transport to a hospital.

Sunday Silliness

2010-05-09T10:00:00.000-04:00

Failblog.org is awesome:

Hope ahead...at the winery. Makes sense to me.

Infinite loop! Ha!!

Ahhh, my eyes! Gah!

I don't think he really needs that hard hat. He has more than enough natural protection. I would be amused to see him try to stretch those ear-plug cords to reach his ears though.

Another person who should not procreate.

But probably will.

Size Matters

2010-05-07T11:58:00.001-04:00

For Airport Security, Size Matters

Cops: New high-tech screener triggered fight over manhood insult

MAY 6--A Transportation Security Administration screener is facing an assault rap after he allegedly beat a co-worker who joked about the size of the man's genitalia after he walked through a security scanner. The May 4 confrontation involved Rolando Negrin, 44, and other TSA employees who had previously taken part in a training session at Miami International Airport, according to the below Miami-Dade Police Department reports. Negrin, pictured in the mug shot at right, and his co-workers had been training with new "whole body image" machines--the controversial kind that provide very revealing images of a traveler--when Negrin walked through the scanner. "The X-ray revealed that [Negrin] has a small penis and co-workers made fun of him on a daily basis," reported cops. Following his arrest, Negrin told police that he "could not take the jokes anymore and lost his mind." After work Tuesday evening, Negrin confronted fellow TSA screener Hugo Osorno in an airport parking lot. Negrin wanted to "resolve a problem," and get Osorno, 34, to "finally respect him." Instead, Negrin allegedly pulled out a police baton and began striking Osorno, while demanding an apology. A witness told cops that Negrin told Osorno, in Spanish, "Get on your knees or I will kill you and you better apologize." When Negrin, wearing his TSA uniform, arrived for work yesterday, he was arrested on an aggravated battery count and booked into the Miami-Dade lockup. Osorno, police reported, suffered "bruises and abrasions on his back and arms" during the attack.

Least Influential People of 2010

2010-05-02T10:00:00.002-04:00

I found this rather amusing:

Least Influential People of 2010
By Joel Stein Thursday, Apr. 29, 2010

LOSERS

"We Are the World 25 for Haiti"
Fundraising song
Wow, that sucked.

Rue McClanahan
Actress
Betty White has usurped all the power from remaining Golden Girls.

Professional Wrestling Referees
Dream job for weird kids
So few rules to enforce, and yet they always fail.

People in Windows 7 Ads
Actors
Windows 7 was not your idea at all.

Michael Steele
RNC chairman
After his lavish spending and criticizing of Rush Limbaugh — Rush Limbaugh! — many in the party are trying to get rid of him. Even though that would mean losing his blog on GOP.com, which, though now untitled, used to be called "What Up?"

Mark Rosenthal
CEO of Current TV
If someone from MSNBC's The Ed Show caused an international incident in which two reporters were captured by North Korea and had to be freed by a trip from Bill Clinton, at least a few of us would tune in to an episode of the Ed Schultz Show. But still no one has seen that blur-of-short-YouTube-looking-segments that calls itself Current TV. Al Gore is even worse at starting networks than he is at running for President.

MORONS

Heidi Montag
Star of MTV's The Hills
You used to be famous for being famous. Then you were famous for getting lots of plastic surgery and selling only 658 copies of your album in its first week. Now your'e not famous. That was fast.

Spencer Pratt
Boyfriend of Star of MTV's The Hills
Montag fired him as her manager. It's like we need a whole other list of the uninfluential to the uninfluential.

Paula Abdul
Ex-American Idol Judge
Now you have only yourself to judge. That can't be fun.

Desiree Rogers
Former White House Social Secretary
If you had purposely invited one of the Real Housewives of D.C., that would have been influential.

Floyd Landis
Cyclist
Every other cyclist in the last 20 years has gotten away with doping except for you.

Mayumi Heene
Balloon Boy's mom
Any wife who can't talk her husband out of that plan really has no influence.

Conrad Murray
Michael Jackson's doctor
Not a lot of people in Murray's waiting room right now.

Brian Dunkleman
Former Co-Host of American Idol
After quitting Idol after the first season, Dunkleman is now doing voice work playing Ruiga in Naruto.

Joaquin Phoenix
Actor
That weird Andy Kauffman-esque thing where you filmed yourself pretending to rap badly? Even if you made a great documentary about it, I'm not seeing it. In fact, deep down, I'm pretty sure you were really just trying to rap.

Selma
Ex-Lead Technician at the Clinic in Sex Rehab with Dr. Drew on VH1
When you're fired for getting in a fight with Kari Ann Peniche (the woman who was naked in that video with Eric Dane and Rebecca Gayheart), the woman who was herself thrown out of both VH1's Sober House and VH1's Sex Rehab, you are not highly valued.

Carrie Prejean
Former Miss California
Two things you can't do: 1) Make a sex tape after talking about how immoral gay people are; 2) Make a sex tape without any sex in it.

Nadya Suleman
Octomom
No one really cares anymore.

David Shuster
Ex-MSNBC reporter
Shooting a pilot for a rival network (CNN) without asking your bosses is a pretty easy way to get suspended. Also, you should have shot a better pilot.

FLAMEOUTS

Bo Obama
First Dog
No book telling us to exercise or eat leafy greens? No hilarious video of chasing a squirrel to distract us from the fact that our unemployment benefits are almost up? After all that talk about what breed of dog to buy, the family decided to go with Total Loser?

H1N1
Virus
I got a shot for this loser! I made my baby get a shot! This was the biggest loser epidemic since bird flu. Or SARS. I bet H1N1 never even killed a pig. I've eaten about 3 pigs this week and I'm not technically a virus.

Sleestaks
Fictional Creatures from Land of the Lost
You guys bought Escalades with pimped out rims and Beverly Hills homes thinking you'd finally made it. Then Land of the Lost with Will Ferrell bombed and your big-eyed, giant scaly heads realized your one chance was gone.

Sarah Larson
George Clooney's Ex-Girlfriend
While dating George Clooney, People named you as one of their most beautiful people. Now try getting People to call you back. They're not really your friend, Sarah.

Carson Daly
Talk show host
Really. He is. He has a show on NBC. It comes on right after Jimmy Fallon. He was given the show eight years ago so he could practice in obscurity before he took over for Conan. The show has offices and everything.

The Doors
Classic Rock band
We've all decided that they actually sucked and just had a handsome lead singer.

Grover
Muppet
Elmo is taking all your airtime, yo.

Dan Rather
Anchor
...on HDNet. I don't know what that is or why it's still so proud of being in HD, but this is not retiring gracefully. This is like if Michael Jordan came back now and played for HDNet.

Katie Couric
Network Anchor
She keeps showing up. You have to admire that.

Tom DeLay
Former Congressman
Not sure what kind of career he was trying to jumpstart by appearing on Dancing With The Stars, but camp-loving gay men don't like a quitter.

Carrot Top
Comedian
All that success, and yet he hasn't spawned a generation of prop comedians.

Witches
Practioners of Magic
Charmed was, like, 10 years ago. It's all vampires, werewolves and zombies now.

General Larry Platt
Singer/songwriter
"Pants on the Ground" has not stopped one kid from wearing his pants on the ground.

Stedman Graham
Oprah's Boyfriend
Everyone else who knows Oprah has their own show by now.

SLIMY BASTARDS

John Edwards
Former Presidential Candidate
He already was irrelevant, then he allowed news of an affair and love child to come out so slowly, we forgot he was already irrelevant.

Eric Massa
Ex- Congressman
It's hard to be influential when you have no clue how the world works. You don't explain how ungay you are by saying that you just were having tickle fights with the guys you live with, like you did when you were in the Navy. Liberace was more subtle.

Tom Anderson
Founder of, and everyone's friend on, MySpace
Have you clicked on MySpace lately? It's like you wandered into some section of Las Vegas so seedy it should be in Tampa. You can get venereal diseases just from logging on.

Jon Gosselin
Ex-Reality Dad
We once thought he was the henpecked husband of a crazy chick. Now we love the henpecker. Killing the Ed Hardy trend was the last influence you'll ever have.

Lindsay Lohan
Actress
Things are not good when you're suing babies.

Michael Lohan
Lindsay Lohan's dad
He's engaged to Jon Gosselin's ex-girlfriend.

Angelina Pivarnick
Reality Washout
To get kicked off of MTV's Jersey Shore is an accomplishment, but not one that gets you on the next season of Jersey Shore.

Levi Johnston
Actor, model, baby daddy
Who knew American politics needed its own Kato Kaelin.

Tila Tequila
I Have No Idea
I could tell you that Tila Nguyen changed her name to Miss Tila, that she released sonogram pictures of her baby to radar online or that her new single is called "I Fucked the DJ." All of which you'd never know if I didn't just write it. But the only data point I need, I believe, is this, from Wikipedia: "In December 2009, Nguyen partnered with Joe Francis to launch a dating site called 'TilasHotSpotDating.com'.

Nicollette Sheridan
Actress
The other, non-fired Desperate Housewives don't have her back in her lawsuits against the show's creator.

Hacking Horror

2010-04-30T10:00:00.003-04:00

Totally disgusting story about a girl I used to work with. I have no idea what was wrong with her, but she had some sort of excess phlegm issue. So she kept a styrofoam cup on her desk and would hack phlegm balls into it all day long, making that gross noise and everything. And she'd use the same cup for like a week (sometimes longer) before throwing it out and getting a new one.
Just reading this made me kinda nauseous. *gag* Can I assume people didn't stop by her desk to chat too often?

I hope you never mistook her spittoon for an empty cup for your coffee, AnneBFree!

I Will Kill You With My Bare Hands

2010-04-28T10:42:00.011-04:00

I have a great affinity for crazy people in general, but crazy famous people?!?! LOVE 'EM! So I'm loving this:

Russell Crowe is set to capture America's heart all over again when Robin Hood hits theaters in two weeks. But let us not forget: Russell Crowe is crazy. Some exclusive excerpts from a new book remind us just how crazy.

The following excerpts are taken from

The Men Who Would Be King: An Almost Epic Tale of Moguls, Movies, and a Company Called DreamWorks
by Nicole Laporte, which will be released May 4. Her chapter on the making of Gladiator contains these tidbits about what it's like to work with Russell Crowe. First, his negotiation style:

"You motherfucker. I will kill you with my bare hands."

"Hello?" Branko Lustig said, confused and barely awake; it was, after all, 3 a.m. in England.

"You motherfucker," the speaker repeated.

"Who's on the phone? Who is this?" Lustig demanded.

When Russell Crowe identified himself, the genuinely terrified Lustig, one of the producers of the about-to-be-filmed Gladiator, hung up and called Steven Spielberg in Los Angeles.

"Steven," he said. "I'm leaving. Russell wants to kill me. I'm leaving."

Having survived a concentration camp, Lustig was not taking any chances.

Crowe, not yet Russell Crowe, but still just another verkakte Australian coming off a sleeper (L.A. Confidential), was sour because he believed DreamWorks was low-balling his assistants on their per diems. Rather than raise this grievance at a mundane daylight hour, Crowe opted for a more dramatic statement, a tactic not unknown in these parts. The actor's recent behavior had been erratic, just like everything else on the project.

Next, a surly and apparently hung over Russell comes to a script meeting at Ridley Scott's production facility one morning. He insults the recent script changes and walks out. Ridley Scott finally tracks Crowe down and gently ushers him back to the meeting:

Finally, Crowe materialized—unrepentant and sans affability. If Scott's pep talk had any effect, it seemed to have lodged deep in the actor's subconscious. Crowe played along, but refused to summon a scintilla of good humor. He didn't so much recite his lines as growl them in a deranged accent that flitted between indeterminate continents of origin. More absurd was Oliver Reed's delivery. Even though his lines were as long as haiku, he filled them with dramatic flourishes. Having recently renounced drinking, he said that the only thing he was chugging was lemonade, but the question was just what he was mixing in the stuff.

"My oold frrriend," he read, puckering his lips and rolling his r's with all the pomp of a 17th century thespian.

Crowe, in turn, chewed up monologues, spitting out each and every poisonous syllable.

Screenwriter John Logan, who has lovingly crafted many of these lines, watched in horror. He scrawled four words on a piece of paper: "Kill me! Kill me!"

A month later, after filming in England, the shoot moved to Ouarzazate, Morocco – a town near the Sahara Desert, where Hollywood has traditionally gone for its sword and sandal needs (Lawrence of Arabia was filmed in the area). Crowe's mood did not improve. Twice, he had walked off the set. Even when he was supposedly having "fun," Crowe was a puffy pain. After challenging members of the crew to a foot race, and losing, he would mutter for days, "I would have won, but I can't run in the sand in sandals."

Heh! And finally, an inside look at the ferocious working style of the world's greatest actor (Russell Crowe):

Never were Crowe's spirits more in flux than when he was to read the climactic, "And I will have my vengeance, in this life or the next" scene, in which his character, Maximus, removes his helmet and reveals his identity. It was only the most seminal line in the entire movie, and yet Crowe was convinced that it was ridiculous – overwrought, puffery that no man would ever be caught dead saying, least of all a brawny, sword-carrying killer standing under the unrelenting African sun. Scott was one of the few people who seemed to understand Crowe, that underneath all that volatility was a very scared actor who needed to feel safe. Rather than blow up at him, Scott waited until the tantrum subsided. Then he agreed to shoot the scene the way Crowe preferred.

After doing the take, Crowe still looked dissatisfied. "Let me see the other script again," he said to Scott, referring to the loathed revision. After studying the page stonily, he shrugged. "Well, we might as well try it."

And so, the scene was reshot. Everyone agreed it was brilliant. Everyone, that is, but Crowe. "Russell, what's the problem?" Scott asked, finally showing a hint of exasperation. "It worked."

"It was shit," Crowe repeated, "but I'm the greatest actor in the world and I can make even shit sound good." And with that he marched off.

Bloody Bizarre

2010-04-27T10:59:00.000-04:00

Today's is brief...but bizarre:

This woman I used to work with would purposely give herself paper cuts. Her hands were covered in them. She tried to hide it while she was actually doing it, but we'd catch her all the time. Plus there were always drops of blood on any paper you would get from her.

Paper cuts are freakin' AWFUL! I can't believe anyone would self-inflict them - YOW!

But then again... could you get some sort of on-the-job injury time off?!?!

*heading off to look for extremely sharp paper*

I'm sending you some Latex gloves so you can handle your bio-medical hazard paperwork, GrantedRee.

Finally...Graphs That Make Sense

2010-04-26T11:24:00.000-04:00

How many times have you gotten a friend request, and just said "Ugh, really?!?!?" C'mon, you know you have!

I rarely use it yet Adobe is always updating itself and demanding that you restart your computer...or else.

Is it too early to start drinking?

Actually, for me, its my dog. Will follow a laser light for hours. Damn funny.

Heh.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try.
-- Yoda

Heading out to catch me some crickets for dinner.

Sunday Silliness

2010-04-25T10:00:00.001-04:00

Some people probably should not be parents. Cases in point:

"Nah, kids, they just put that wall there to be annoying, not for any safety reasons or anything. But I got an idea...."

I always say you're never to young to learn how to use a deadly weapon.

Who's taking pictures of my kid?

On a side note, my cart is filled the same way. But it's a full sized adult cart, of course.

I like the special little chair she's got for him. How innovative! And I'm sure it has a seat belt attachment. So, no safety issues here, nosirree!!

Stayin' Alive

2010-04-23T10:00:00.004-04:00

Yay, we have another from HRLady:

Another interviewee I had was a bit…..off. Her resume was great, but her actual interview, welllllll…..

Me: Tell me about your previous employment.

Crazy Job Applicant: It’s on my resume.

Me: I know it is, but I want you to elaborate a bit.

CJA: I don’t talk about my past.

Me: No?

CJA: No.

Me: Okay then, what was your base salary at your last position?

CJA: That’s my past. I don’t talk about it.

Me: Great. Moving on….what are your goals within this company if you should get the position?

CJA: Am I supposed to predict the future? Because I have just one goal at this point - staying alive.

Me: Thank you. We will be in touch.

So you hired her, no? You’d be stupid to let that one get away!!

Who has the Bee Gees stuck in their head now? *raises hand*

Feeling Cocky

2010-04-22T11:51:00.001-04:00

I work in Human Resources, so basically I interview a whole lot of people. A few have certainly stuck out in my mind, for example, one kid straight out of college. The conversation went like this:

(Kid walks in looking super relaxed)

Cocky Job Applicant: So, let’s get right down to it. There is no one better for this job than me. You’d be stupid (!!!) to look further.

Me: We have many qualified applicants.

CJA: Of course, you have to say that. Can we talk money?

Me: There is much more to cover before we discuss salary. You don’t have much job experience.

CJA: I don’t need experience. I have more brains and talent than most of the people already working here.

Me: (Starting to get reeeealllly annoyed.) Well, that’s nice, but I can’t really take your word for it.

CJA: When I work here you’ll see what I mean.

Me: No, I won’t. Because you won’t be working here. And I suggest you refine your interview skills before your next interview.

CJA: (Looks shocked, then recovers his swagger.) Dumb move, lady. Someday you’ll see my name and regret not hiring me.

Nice, huh?

Admit it, you all thought from the title I was going somewhere else with "cocky". Heh.

She probably will see his name somewhere at some point. Quite possibly the Police Blotter.

Or Hollywood. They seem to like arrogant asses.

Thanks to HRLady!!

Spit-Shine

2010-04-21T15:32:00.002-04:00

A waitress I once worked with was not very bright. If she saw spots on a glass in the dish room, she would spit on her finger and rub them off, then shine the glass on her sweaty work shirt. The worst part is that she saw nothing wrong with that practice until one day....

a customer complained about a spotty glass. She did her spit/shine routine right at their table and put the glass back down at the place setting. She didn't understand why the customer was so freaked out, and insisted it was no big deal because her "mother used to do that all the time at home". The manager got called over, and she was fired immediately.

Is it weird that this post make me a little sad? Just the fact that she didn't understand the problem kinda depresses me.

Or maybe it's just PMS.

Time for chocolate and a weepy Lifetime movie. Oooooooh, and potato chips. Okay, gotta go!

Your dishwasher at work apparently sucks, Sweetie99!

Build The Ark!

2010-04-01T22:27:00.000-04:00

Okay, so last week, there was an illness in the family that prevented me from posting as much as I would like. Things are much better on that front BUT....living in the flooded Northeast, my basement is under a foot of water. So hang in there...

I WILL BE BACK!!!

Home Sweet Home

2010-03-31T10:37:00.003-04:00

A friend of mine is an architect. His personal style is classy, understated and elegant, but he has to pander to the desires of his clients, obviously. In this day and age of gaudy McMansions, he is requested to do all sorts of insane things - one client even requested a huge gilded two seater swing hanging in their two story foyer. Eventually, he became so exasperated he decided to go a little crazy with his plans and throw in the most bizarre features he could imagine just to see what would happen. "Floating bathtub" mounted on clear pedestals - client loved it. Toilet encased in a raised throne - client loved it. Curved walls in a hallway to create the illusion of walking through a tube - you guessed it, they loved it.

He hates just about every job he has done, but he is in high demand and rolling in dough.

You know what? Curved walls would make cleaning so much easier. No more dust (or in my home, dog hair - and lots of it) accumulating in the non-existent corners.

Though I would probably have some big problems when tipsy.

How can I get me one of them there toilet thrones, Sebastian?

Sandy's Bad Week

2010-03-30T10:00:00.000-04:00

We all know some weirdness has been going on in the life of Sandra Bullock, but I'm not referring to what you think I am:

Fiber Optic Aliens

2010-03-29T13:31:00.000-04:00

I was in a meeting the other day, presenting some stuff to a group of people. One woman was FLOORED by what she called "the amazing technology". Mind you, I was demonstrating some very basic stuff. Since it appeared she was none too bright, I thought I'd play with her a little bit. So I told her "Yeah, all this technology came from the aliens at Roswell, even fiber optics and all that". Her eyes almost bugged out of her head as she bought my bull. Then I suggested that the best road trip ever would be to get an RV and go to Roswell, to which she replied "I'd LOVE to do that, that is so going on my bucket list."

That was a fun meeting.

Road trip to a desert in New Mexico! Yeah!! Wahoo!

That was sarcasm, by the way.

I don't know if that was exactly a nice thing to do, but it sure was an amusing one, MyFavoriteGuy!

Sunday Funnies

2010-03-28T10:00:00.000-04:00

Help wanted:

Aw, crap, and I was all dressed and ready for my interview:

Anyway, moving on....

Siriusly, it's kinda sad when people learn to spell from satellite radio.

I wat you to helf me understand the little cat ears in the lower corner.

I don't have one, so I'd better get out there and commit some crimes so I can get this job!

Inspires ambition, doncha think?

I don't know which scares me more - their desire for freaks and misfits, or the idea of a Tiny Tea Tent.

Is this also in the Tiny Tea Tent? "Today's entertainment - watch our piano player perform while opening clams - simultaneously!"

Bloopers

2010-03-25T11:42:00.001-04:00

I've been a little remiss in posting this week, due to an illness in the family BUT......things are looking up!! So until I can get back into posting gear, here's a bit of entertainment:

The Writing On The Wall

2010-03-22T10:00:00.001-04:00

In the restroom at my office, nasty graffitti started appearing on the walls, all of it centered around a particular female comworker of mine. It was pretty graphic, all about her enjoyment of perfoming deviant sexual acts that I won't list (aw, c'mon, aren't we all friends here?). Obviously, she was very upset. More writing would appear overnight, so my superiors knew it had to be one of the plentiful cleaning people that came in at night. But which one? Since it is illegal to put video in a bathroom, a camera was erected right outside the entrance. The next day when more slurs appeared, the tape was reviewed and it was discovered which cleaning guy it was. Obviously he was fired, but the best part was his reasoning. He stated that "The b*tch left crumbs and dirt around her desk. She's a pig who needs to learn to clean up after herself."

I bet she cleaned up her act quick. So punny, I am!

Apparently Tapit saw the writing on the wall. *snicker*

Sunday Funnies

2010-03-21T10:00:00.002-04:00

I'm totally diggin the Wedinator:

Daddy looks a little ill. He probably can't WAIT to give his daughter away....

This one gave me such a headache.

Very. Very. Disturbing. And why are they so greasy?!?!?

Klassy. I think the meaning of wearing white got lost here somehow.

A Genius!

2010-03-19T12:25:00.000-04:00

Sometimes I receive a submission so eloquent, so refined, that I just have to post it exactly as it came in:

I SPIT AND SH*T ALL OVER YUR FOOD! hAHAHH! U SUCK AND EAT IT WTH MY SPERM MIX A$$HOLES. F*CK DUMB SH*T.

Well, I didn't spell out some of the more profane words, but I think you see what I mean. A scholar is among us!

Does your Mommy know you are on the computer, Name-I-won't-repeat-cause-it's-filthy?

Fun In The Operating Room

2010-03-18T10:00:00.000-04:00

So there's this bunch of Nurse Anesthetists who perform medical parodies - and it's pretty funny stuff. They are called the Laryngospasms and you can visit their website here.

Who knew you could have so much fun in the OR?

Happy St. Patrick's Day!!

2010-03-17T10:00:00.000-04:00

St. Patrick's Day is my favorite holiday. So everyone go out and have plenty of green beer and some corned beef and cabbage (although that is an American tradition, not Irish, but that's ok).

Animations provided by MySpaceAnimations.com

Driving Miss Tipsy

2010-03-16T13:52:00.000-04:00

I am a driver for a limo company, and this isn't about the Crazy People I've Worked With, but rather, worked For.

People do some damn disgusting things in limos. Whoever in hell decided sex in a limo is a sexy thing?!?!? It's far from a novel idea -you wouldn't believe how many people do it. And trust me, we do not disinfect or even wipe down the seats. So there's a good chance you're sitting in someone else's (words edited out, but I think you all got the idea).

There is actually one time we do have to do an intense cleaning - and that's after a vomiter. There is a lot of those, too. It's great that people are being responsible while drinking and hiring a driver, but really, should that driver have to be responsible for the fact that you drank your face off and are now spewing uncontrollably? Some people make small attempts to swipe at stuff with a tissue, but in the end it all comes down to us.

And I am not your slave nor servant, so stop speaking to me like I am. I am just there to do a job, like the rest of the world.
Next time I am in any sort of car that is not my own, I will be wearing a full body condom. So if you see me, give a wave! I will be the one encased in Latex.

I think I might detect some anger here JoeyAveloni...

Doggone Ridiculous

2010-03-15T10:00:00.003-04:00

I came across this mid 20th century ad and was a bit amazed by it, so I had to share.

I'm glad they are so damn concerned about the car being marred by this contraption, but hey, who cares about the dog. At that point, why even bother with a hole for its head if you're gonna strap your dog to the outside of fast moving vehicle. Yeesh.

Blowin' In The Wind (My Power Lines, That Is)

2010-03-15T09:20:00.000-04:00

Things may be a bit off on CPIWW for a day or two - the power has finally come back on since the big storm Saturday, but I have no faith that it will STAY on, so please bear with me!

Love and kisses,
Anita

Sunday Funday

2010-03-14T10:00:00.003-04:00

Some gems from There I Fixed It:

I don't blame this person for worrying about their car being stolen. I mean, a mint condition ride like this...

I actually find this kind of bizarrely clever.

Yeah, this one isn't so clever. In fact it's rather shocking (ba da bum).

Another one that seems kinda like a good idea to me - if you live close enough to bike to your grocery, how else could you carry a bunch of bags?

And another not so good idea.

And finally - uses for duct tape are endless, doncha think?

An Unfortunate Uprising

2010-03-12T10:00:00.003-05:00

I work in sales for a large corporation. I won't get into detail what kind of sales, since that's not really important (and, basically, boring). Anyway, I have one boss who likes to have 'Encouragment Meetings'. It's pretty much a rah-rah pep rally for getting out there and selling. He's got a very large belly, and he has started this icky tradition. He claims it's good luck to rub his belly, like Buddha's. So at the end of the meeting, we all (and we are mostly women) have to file past him on the way out the door and rub his belly for good luck. Sometimes he claims we didn't do it hard enough and demands a re-do, but unsuprisingly he only says that to the attractive females of the group.

And the main thing when you are passing him during this tradition is DON'T LOOK DOWN! Or you will see a bit of an....um....uprising in his pants.

You don't sell pup tents, do you? Maybe he's demonstrating the basic physics of the operation of a pup tent.

Maybe you can claim some sort of contagious hand disease, Anonymous? I'd start Googling hand diseases immediately if I were you.

IHOP Fingered In Gross Lawsuit

2010-03-11T10:00:00.003-05:00

MARCH 3--Ronald Neilly was working at an International House of Pancakes in Hallandale, Florida one Sunday morning when he accidentally cut off a fingertip while preparing an order. Neilly, 35, was immediately rushed to a local hospital by Department of Fire Rescue workers. But the severed fingertip--nail intact--could not be located by his fellow kitchen employees.

Until, of course, it soon turned up in the fried chicken green salad being consumed by Nadine Robinson, 42, who was having brunch with her family after attending services at Calvary Chapel in Fort Lauderdale. The severed fingertip can be seen in the above police photo (click to enlarge).

The repulsive IHOP episode, which has not been previously reported, occurred in November 2008 and has resulted in a lawsuit brought by Robinson and her family against the restaurant chain and Neilly (TSG learned of the incident when IHOP lawyers last month filed a federal court motion seeking to remove the case from a Broward County court). Robinson's negligence complaint alleges that the restaurant served her a "freshly severed finger tip that contained both freshly cut human flesh and blood." IHOP, she charges, did not cease operating after Neilly was injured while preparing her salad, adding that the eatery's actions exposed her and her teenage daughter Ashley (who shared some of the salad) to a variety of possible health problems.
After Hallandale cops were summoned to the restaurant, Robinson told them that she had bitten into a piece of salad that "had a rubbery texture." After spitting out the piece and inspecting it, Robinson "noticed that the unknown piece in her salad was the end of a finger tip which also had a piece of a finger nail attached to it." When police spoke to IHOP manager Robert Clarke, he told them of the Neilly accident, adding that he "did keep the plate and piece of finger in the back office." Two police representatives later responded to IHOP and photographed the remains of Robinson's meal, with Neilly's fingertip at the plate's center.

A subsequent inspection of the eatery by the federal Occupational Safety and Health Administration (OSHA) resulted in the issuance of a "Serious" violation due to IHOP not requiring cooks "preparing food with knives in the kitchen area to use appropriate hand protection when exposed to hazards such as severe cuts, lacerations or punctures."

In a claim letter sent last year to an IHOP insurance carrier, Robinson's lawyers demanded an $18 million settlement payment to Robinson and her husband, and $2.5 million for the couple's 14-year-old daughter. IHOP has yet to answer the complaint, apart from seeking last month to have the matter removed to federal court.

This is just so damn horrifying I can't comprehend it. Biting into a rubbery bit, and discovering its a HUMAN FINGERTIP?!?!?! I'd need years of intensive therapy.

*WARNING* If you are squeamish, time to look away, 'cause yep, we got pictures (the little red arrow is pointing to the finger in the first one):

*gag*

Woman Crashes Car While Shaving Bikini Area

2010-03-09T10:35:00.001-05:00

By David Knowles

(March 8) -- Sometimes multitasking has its limits.

Such is the case in the Florida Keys, where police say a 37-year-old woman crashed her 1995 Ford Thunderbird into another car as she attempted to shave her bikini area.

According to the arrest report, on March 2, Megan Mariah Barnes told Florida State Trooper Gary Dunick that she was on her way to Key West to meet her boyfriend, and that she "wanted to be ready for the visit." So, police say she had her ex-husband, Charles Judy, who was riding in the passenger seat, take the wheel while she attended to her pubic hair.

The results weren't pretty. Going 45 mph, Barnes and Judy are said to have rear-ended a car that had slowed to make a left turn.

A day earlier, Barnes had been convicted of numerous driving infractions, including DUI with a prior arrest and driving with a suspended license. She had been ordered to impound her car, her license was revoked for five years, and she had been placed on probation for nine months.

Dunick told The Citizen newspaper that after the crash, in which two passengers in the other car were treated for minor injuries at an area hospital, Barnes drove for another half-mile before switching seats with Judy in an attempt to make it seem to police as though she had not been driving.

"It is unbelievable," Dunick said. "I'm really starting to believe this stuff only happens in the Keys."

"She was charged with leaving the scene of an accident," said police spokesman Lt. Alex Annunziato, "in addition to all the charges stemming from her earlier violations."

If found guilty of violating the terms of her probation, Barnes could face a year behind bars.

Well, this might not be a crazy coworker to US, but I'm sure someone somewhere has to work with this woman. Besides, it was too good to pass up.

Don't you love how the person helping her out shaving her pubes in preparation to see her boyfriend was her ex-husband? Now that's what I call an amicable divorce.

Missing Intelligence

2010-03-08T10:00:00.003-05:00

Are these true? What the hell do I know. But they ARE funny - and using the people I come across everyday as a gauge of general intelligence levels, I wouldn't be suprised if they are.

When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. 'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'it's open!' His reply: 'I know. I already got that side.' This was at the Ford dealership in Canton, MS

We had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.' I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said, 'NO, it's not.' Four is larger than two.'
We haven't used Sears repair since.

My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter. She said, 'you gave me too much money.' I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back. She sighed and went to get the manager, who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said 'We're sorry but we could not do that kind of thing.' The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change.

I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road. The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'
From Kingman, KS

My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.' He said he was sorry, but they only had iceburg lettuce.
From Kansas City

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?' To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?' He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'
Happened in Birmingham, Ala.

The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!'
She was a probation officer in Wichita, KS

At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker who was leaving the company due to 'downsizing,' our manager commented cheerfully, 'This is fun. We should do this more often.' Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.
This was a lunch at Texas Instruments.

I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on. A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office, no less.

How would you pronounce this child's name?
"Le-a"
Leah?? NO
Lee - A?? NOPE
Lay - a?? NO
Lei?? Guess Again.
This child attends a school in Kansas City, Mo. Her mother is irate because everyone is getting her name wrong. It's pronounced "Ledasha". When the Mother was asked about the pronunciation of the name, she said, "the dash isn't silent."

Sunday Funnies

2010-03-07T10:00:00.001-05:00

More Fail Blog:

*Snort* I can't... *giggle* comment on... *guffaw* this because... * chuckle* I just can't stop... * double snort* laughing.

Please remove non-mushroom material - such as any cigarette butts. But hey, they tell you right on the package that they can't remove all foreign objects, so they warned ya!

A little concrete burn never killed anyone, but still....

my psychic powers see a lawsuit in the future.

Can I borrow a quarter?

The perfect setup for people who despise children.

I don't see a safety issue here, do you?

Proper Attire (Well, For Hookers, At Least)

2010-03-05T10:00:00.004-05:00

Whoa, Dan the Funeral Man really loves us:
I totally forgot another incident! One time the staff was closing up after a viewing. We had solemnly ushered out all the guests, locked the doors, and began cleaning up. We were in the hallway gabbing loudly for a few minutes, talking in particular about the grandaughter of the deceased who had attended the viewing dressed as though she was ready to solicit men on a street corner. Hot pink tight dress that barely covered her butt, big dangling earrings, teased hair, stillettos - the works. We were calling her all different unflattering names and laughing loudly, when we hear the bathroom door open.

Apparently we were wrong, all the guests had NOT left the building. Two were left - and they happened to be the hooker-dressed woman's mother and grandmother. They HAD to have heard us; and scurried out while not meeting our eyes. I think they had been embarrassed by her too.

On a side note, if you think it's irreverent that we were talking and laughing while, essentially, a deceased person lay there, well....in this business you have to maintain a sense of detachment or you'd become clinically depressed.

Wow, you guys really put the fun in funeral!

Who knows, maybe she had to leave for her job directly after, and didn't have time to change in between.

Getting Off In Denver

2010-03-04T11:37:00.002-05:00

Computer programmer, 34, arrested for in-flight masturbation episode

MARCH 2--A Delaware man is facing a federal criminal charge after he was caught yesterday masturbating on a plane while seated next to a female passenger. Murali Nookella, a 34-year-old computer programmer, was en route to Denver from Philadelphia on a Southwest Airlines flight when a woman noticed him "fumbling underneath a blanket," according to an affidavit sworn by FBI Agent Joel Nishida. The woman, identified only by her initials in the affidavit, said that Nookella's "eyes were closed and his hands moved all around his groin area" underneath a "mustard/gold blanket pulled up to his waist." As the woman packed up her belonging to move seats, she "looked at Nookella and saw him holding his erect penis." The woman said that Nookella remarked, "You caught me." Nookella held a napkin in his left hand, the woman told the FBI. According to Nishida's affidavit, the woman "did not look but heard a swishing sound. She thought Nookella wiped something." Nookella's employer told TSG that he was headed to Denver on a work assignment. Nookella was named today in a misdemeanor criminal complaint charging him with indecent exposure. If convicted, he faces a maximum of 90 days in jail and a $5000 fine.

Well, this counts as a crazy coworker because he was ON A FREAKIN' BUSINESS TRIP! Not a "pleasure" (heh!) trip, but as a representative of his company. His coworkers must be eagerly looking forward to his return to the home office.....

Swingin' In The Breeze

2010-03-03T10:00:00.000-05:00

I worked with the lady who was probably in her 50s. She was normal in every way EXCEPT.... she had an apparent aversion to bras. And she was a big woman, with big, hanging boobs. Every day you could see her shaking like Jello as she walked; mind you, the Jello was somewhere around her waist.

The funniest part involved our communal office printer. If you sent something to it to print, you could hear if it jammed. When this would happened to our bra-less buddy, she would take off running at high speed to save her document, her boobs flapping in the wind.

She's lucky she didn't get a black eye from one o' those babies!

Thanks to Linsey, for this rather disturbing image.

Beauty Queen Brilliance

2010-03-02T10:00:00.000-05:00

I found this hysterically funny, so I had to share. My favorite is Miss Panama...who knew Confucius invented confusion? Ya learn something new everyday.

Lauren Caitlin Upton - Miss Teen South Carolina

Response to why 1/5 Americans can't locate the U.S. on a map: "I personally believe that U.S. Americans are unable to do so because, uh, some people out there in our nation don't have maps and, uh, I believe that our, uh, education like such as in, uh, South Africa and, uh, the Iraq and everywhere like such as, and I believe that they should, uh, our education over here in the U.S. should help the U.S., uh, should help South Africa and should help Iraq and the Asian countries, so we will be able to build up our future for our children."

Carrie Prejean - Miss California

On whether or not God opposes breast implants: "No, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with getting breast implants as a Christian. I think it’s a personal decision. I don’t see anywhere in the Bible where it says you shouldn’t get breast implants."

Nadine Tanega - Miss Hawaii

At Miss World American 1992: "We are truly the land of the great. From the rock shores of... Hawaii... to the beautiful sandy beaches of... Hawaii... America is our home."

Jeannie Anderson - Miss Philippines

Question: Would you rather be more smart, or more beautiful? "Well, I'd rather choose to be beautiful, um because, to be beautiful it's natural. But being smart you can learn... you can learn, um a lot of things... a lot of things from the experience... you can learn from a lot of things being smart."

Alicia-Minique Blanco - Miss Arizona

Should the U.S. have universal health care as a right of citizenship? "I think this is an issue of integrity regardless of which end of the political spectrum that I stand on. I was raised in a family to know right from wrong and politics, whether or not you fall in the middle, the left or the right its an issue of integrity, no matter what your opinion is, and I say that with the utmost conviction."

The Pearl Harbor Girl

What is the most important event in our nation's history? "In my opinion, Pearl Harbor which occurred on December 7, 1941 was the most significant event in our nation's history because [long pause] because it ended the great depression and forced us into the World War II, and... [long pause] ...And our country experienced patriotism and unity."

Miss Panama

Explain the Confucius quote "Learning without thought is labor lost": "Good evening, Panama. Confucius was one of whom invented confusion and that's why, uhh... One of the most ancient, he was one of the Chinese.... Japanese who were one of the most ancient. Thank you."

Don't Call Me, I'll Call You

2010-03-01T10:00:00.003-05:00

I am a telemarketer, which sucks big time. This is all I could get out of college, and I need to work, so here I am. Knowing that the people I call hate me, dealing with being hung up on, called names, etc. So glad I spent four years involved in higher learning.

Anyway, at our call center, its just basically long tables set up where you have a phone with a headset and a computer, and we sit lined up one next to the other. It's depressing and demoralizing. Plus, you can hear, see and smell every single thing your neighbor does, eats, farts, etc.

One woman I work with has an unorthodox method of doing her work. Before she gets on each and every call, she prays for a sale. Very loudly. And in a sort of a chant-y, sing-song way. It's really rather creepy, and freaks us all out. It also doesn't sound too good to the people we are calling, to have to deal with a telemarketer trying to sell you something while there is religious chanting happening in the background.

Do her prayers work? Is she like top salesperson or anything? 'Cause you know, I'm sure God puts all the stuff like wars, famine, natural disasters aside when she requests a sale.

Crossing my fingers that you get a new job, StellarStan!

Sunday Silliness

2010-02-28T10:00:00.000-05:00

Fail Blog has some pretty funny stuff:

I love how he has molded himself to the shape of the bumper. He may have some stiff neck issues when he ~~comes to~~ wakes up, though.

Kiddie birthday + cake with huge penis. And yet no one seems the least bit disturbed by this.

Lovely family photo. Three generations - even Grandpa is in it. No matter that one of the generations is no longer breathing. Definite Christmas Card this year!

Is that hair? How do you DO that? WHY would you do that?

Just.....ew.

Rather creative, I think.

No helmet for your child, no problem! A plastic bag will protect his head from any injury, plus provide added protection from rain. Just remove for a minute or two if he starts turning blue.

Should be Pretty Prostitute Makeup Kit.

Mortuary Madness Part Two

2010-02-26T11:13:00.001-05:00

More funeral parlor weirdness!

We hired a girl to do the makeup (someone's got to do it). Problem was, she slathered it on like people were going to be in a pageant rather than to the great beyond. The women wound up looking like hookers. She didn't use eyeshadow on the men, luckily, but she still piled on the foundation, blusher and even lipstick. They came out a bit transvestite-ish.

We had to let her go. Too many people were offended by their deceased loved ones looking like prostitutes and cross-dressers.

That's one of those jobs you never really think about. And for good reason, because I am totally creeped out now.

Do you have to the makeup yourself now, Dan the Funeral Man?

Mortuary Madness

2010-02-25T10:43:00.000-05:00

My family owns a funeral parlor. It's a big house, and we live above the funeral parlor itself, on the second floor, which I am sure will creep some people out. But since I have been living here since birth, I'm so used to it that it doesn't seem weird to me at all. I have always worked for the family biz, and when my dad retired and moved to Florida, I took over completely.

One time my staff made a pretty significant mistake. We had two viewings that day, and the men both had similar names, we will call them John Robertson and Robert Johnson. The staff put John R. in one viewing room, but put out the flowers and the placard for Robert J. And vice versa in Robert J.'s room.

Imagine both family's surprise when they arrived to say good-bye to their loved one and.....it wasn't him. There was much shuffling and confusion to rectify that mess.

Your Dad worked at a funeral parlor all those years and retired in Florida? You would think he'd want to get away from old corpses. Just kidding, Floridians, I love your state! Especially as I look out the window at more snow.

We have more from Dan the Funeral Man tomorrow!

Celebrity Insanity

2010-02-22T10:00:00.002-05:00

What can be more fun than when a celebrity goes a little nutty?

We'll start with the most famous, which I'm pretty sure EVERYONE has seen, but it's still entertaining enough to watch again.

Mike Tyson most certainly seems to have several screws loose:

Good old Mel Gibson. He was once one of the biggest movie stars, and people adored him. Then he became an angry, offensive drunk. And now a very cranky interviewee.

I don't think Quentin Tarantino likes this woman very much:

We thought Bjork's swan dress was crazy:

Sunday Funday

2010-02-21T10:00:00.004-05:00

Well, maybe not Funday, maybe more like Creepyday. What follows are some vintage Valentine's Day cards. Some plain weird, and others downright horrifying. (Yeah, I'm a week late. It happens.)

Yeah, screw you, there's plenty more fish in the sea. Oh yeah, and be my Valentine, will ya?

Are you sure they didn't mean pork instead of pig?

I don't know what this says, but I find the rabbit terrifying.

And the bestiality theme rather weird.

I don't even know what to say about this grammatically challenged mess of offensiveness.

How 'bout I hold this fiery hot brand to your ass for minute, so everyone knows you're my Valentine?

Sick Time

2010-02-20T10:00:00.000-05:00

Pharmacy I worked at had a germ freak. When she worked the pharmacy counter, she was so freaked out that she would catch whatever the customer was getting medicine for that she wore latex gloves and a surgical mask.

She was told to cut it out because she freaked out the customers.

Ya know, I actually think of that sometimes. For example, receptionists in doctor's offices. How do they NOT catch a million different things? Wonder if they are allowed extra sick time than most...

Nameless, I am sending you a Thesaurus so you can find a synonym for freak/freaked. 'Cause you use those words an awful lot. You're welcome.

Is That A Squeegee Or Are You Just Happy To See Me?

2010-02-19T10:00:00.001-05:00

The company I work for washes windows. One day one of my co-workers ( a new hire) was assigned to do a hotel, five stories tall. The day after he got fired.

Turned out, as he was rapelling in his harness from window to window, he purposely left his fly open so his "junk" would be on display. Only one person noticed, but that was more than enough to get him fired.

Hmm, I don't get it. Seems a perfectly legitimate way to pick up chicks.

Be sure to keep your 'squeegee' in your pants, HarnessHarry!

Bitchin' Server

2010-02-18T10:26:00.000-05:00

I worked at one of those big chain restaurants, and we had, like, a gazillion waitresses. The place was always packed and hectic. One girl I worked with, Sue, had a bad work ethic. Some days she came in hungover, others she was just plain cranky and bitchy. When she knew she'd be having a bad day and giving crappy service, she would introduce herself as Kelly, a waitress that no one liked. So all her customer complaints were about Kelly and not who had REALLY sucked, good old Sue.

If I head to a chain restaurant and get a bitchy waitress that introduces herself as Kelly, you know I am going to be thinking twice...

Just be sure to not piss off Sue, AndreaPensy!

Butt-Sniffing Shopper

2010-02-16T10:00:00.001-05:00

Hunt Is On For Bizarre Butt-Sniffing Shopper

Dec 22nd 2009 By Tom Cullen

We consider ourselves weird-news experts. We've been reporting the more bizarre worldly goings-on for years now, and few things surprise us.

Then, a man sniffing the backside of a shelf stacker hits the headlines and we haven't got a clue what's going on anymore.

Plymouth, England, police are searching for the bespectacled pervert, aged about 40, who smelled the co-op worker's bum at least 20 times on consecutive weekends.

CCTV footage shows the 5-foot-9-inch oddball pretending to pick items off shelves before crouching behind the shelf stacker. With his face near his victim's derriere, he seems take a whiff -- and once gets so close his nose touches the man.

Click through to watch the footage. Admit it, you're intrigued.

Office Athletics

2010-02-15T10:00:00.001-05:00

Who says you can't enjoy some sporting fun at the office?

Happy Valentine's Day!

2010-02-14T10:00:00.004-05:00

These are entries to a Washington Post competition asking for a two line rhyme with the most romantic first line, but the least romantic second line:

(Did the Washington Post really have this competition? I really don't know. I got this from my very first Valentine, my Dad, and we know how his stuff can be: see Correction. But I find it amusing, so who cares. Thanks, Dad, love ya! Keep sending me stuff!)

My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:

Marrying you screwed up my life.

I see your face when I am dreaming.

That's why I always wake up screaming.

Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;

This describes everything you are not.

Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,

But I only slept with you because I was pissed.

I thought that I could love no other

that is until I met your brother.

Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.

But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead,

the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.

I want to feel your sweet embrace;

But don't take that paper bag off your face.

I love your smile, your face, and your eyes .......

Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

My love, you take my breath away.

What have you stepped in to smell this way?

My feelings for you no words can tell,

Except for maybe 'Go to hell.'

What inspired this amorous rhyme?

Two parts vodka, one part lime

Sleeping On The Job

2010-02-12T10:00:00.001-05:00

Unfortunately, I always have trouble getting into this deep of a sleep at work. But I will keep trying!

Weatherman Freakout

2010-02-11T10:00:00.001-05:00

I kinda love this guy:

Weatherman Freaks Out - watch more funny videos

Pull Harder!!

2010-02-10T10:00:00.001-05:00

I work in a nursing home and I'd have to say the worst person to work with there is this one CNA (nurse aide) who thinks she is perfect. I'll call her Sue. She's even worse when there are new people around. No one can put the can liner in better than her, make the beds better than her, brush their teeth better than her and so on.

One day I was training a new CNA when my favorite CNA, Sue, was coming onto shift. Right there is front of the new CNA she chewed me out for improper peri-care (cleaning the "private" areas) on a male resident from the day before.

The new CNA was terrified of cranky Sue as I just stood there and listened to her diatribe of how I didn't clean the resident properly. I didn't pull the foreskin back down after cleaning him and now it is stuck and she had to go report it to the nurse because she couldn't pull his foreskin down over the tip of his penis. She spent about a half hour trying to pull it down and then spent time on each round and I had totally ruined the guy and he would need surgery.

I let her finish and told her sorry, crap happens. Gave report and left.

As we got to the break room I started laughing and explained to the new girl (and the oncoming nurse) that the man is circumcised. He doesn't have any foreskin to pull down. But I'm sure he totally loved the peri-care the night before that he got from Sue.

The new CNA learned quickly that no one is as good as Sue.

Oh my. The image I have of a nurse's aid yanking on an old guy's non-existent foreskin is just...well....uncomfortable.

Poor guy.

This one was a cut above, whoever you are and didn't leave a name! Thanks!!

Scoop The Poop

2010-02-09T13:03:00.001-05:00

I work in the maintenance department of a state park. The park is very popular with dog walkers, and there are signs all over about scooping your dog's poop. BUT.....so many people do not bother. So it totally sucks for us, the people who have to clean it up, but also for the hikers and playing children who step in (or roll on, in the case of the children) a fecal landmine. We see people all the time, standing there while their dog poops, and then nonchalantly walking away like the rest of the world are their servants and they are too good to clean up after themselves. You can only imagine how mad we get...

So mad that when one day my co-worker saw this happening though an office window, he ran outside, picked up the fresh poop with his BARE HANDS and hurled it at the dog owner while screaming "Pick up after your dog, you pig!" The poo hit the guy square in the back, streaking down the back of his jacket as it slid off.

Good thing the guy was more embarrassed about breaking the Pooper Scooper Law than angry and just rushed to his car and took off without reporting anyone.

Ew, did he just get in his car and lean back on the seat in his caca coat?

By the way, while we are on this subject, I hate when people don't clean up after their dog. There is a woman who walks all the way from her house about a quarter of a mile away to the street where I live, where she lets her two dogs poop freely without a baggie or scooper in sight. On people's lawns. Where kids play. And I fall down when I've had a few too many.

Anyway, lady, I have my eye on you, and next time I see you, the poo will be flying. Beware, I have VERY good aim.

Your job kinda stinks, doesn't it, RandyHanson?

Richard Bastard

2010-02-08T10:00:00.002-05:00

The National Westminster Bank admitted last month that it keeps personal information about its customers-such as their political affiliation-on computer. But now Computer Weekly reveals that a financial institution, sadly unnamed, has gone one better and moved into the realm of personal abuse.

The institution decided to mailshot 2000 of its richest customers, inviting them to buy extra services. One of its computer programmers wrote a program to search through its databases and select its customers automatically. He tested the program with an imaginary customer called Rich Bastard.

Unfortunately, an error resulted in all 2000 letters being addressed "Dear Rich Bastard". The luckless programmer was subsequently sacked.

FYI: Snopes - Rich Bastard

Too bad they didn't have a customer actually named Richard Bastard. Coulda covered their asses with him.

Superbowl Sunday Silliness

2010-02-07T10:00:00.001-05:00

In honor of a big day for (American) football:

AHHHHHH!! His head must still be in the helmet!!

Seriously, you couldn't pay me enough to do this...

Well, I don't think so anyway. Make an offer and we'll see.

Let's leave these two alone for some privacy, shall we?

Moving on...

You need to be in great physical shape to be an athlete.

Or maybe not.

Punting the balls.

Spritz Ditz

2010-02-05T10:00:00.001-05:00

I work at a high end department store. Do you know those annoying women who stand around and try to spray you with perfume? Well, the one at our store was a very nervous young girl. She would stammer and stutter when asking to spray people, and when she would finally get one to agree, she would be so rattled that she would never check to see which way the spray nozzle was pointing. She'd just grab her bottle and spray away. This resulted in people who never agreed to being sprayed getting it from two feet away, pissing them off royally. The fancy dress section she stood next to got such a good dosing that at lot of the clothes had droplet marks on them from the perfume and reeked of it - not good for sales. The final straw was when she raised her spray bottle from hell and sprayed a woman - right in her left eye.

What's the problem with that? Who doesn't want a fragrant eyeball? The burning subsides eventually, and the resulting scent can be quite lovely.

WGASA

2010-02-04T10:40:00.000-05:00

Some years ago, the famous San Diego Zoo opened a second, larger branch called the San Diego Wild Animal Park. The Park is built around an enormous open-field enclosure where the animals roam free. To see the animals, visitors ride on a monorail called the Wgasa Bush Line which circles the enclosure. Here's the true story of how the Wgasa Bush Line got its name.

They wanted to give the monorail a jazzy, African sounding name. So they sent out a memo to a bunch of zoo staffers saying, "What shall we call the monorail at the Wild Animal Park?" One of the memos came back with "WGASA" written on the bottom. The planners loved it and the rest is history. What the planners didn't know was that the zoo staffer had not intended to suggest a name. He was using an acronym which was popular at the time. It stood for "Who gives a sh*t anyhow?"

I came across this one and thought "Nah, can't be true." But Snopes says it's true! Yay!

What sort of employee answers a memo with "Who gives a sh*t?" Probably one that wants to get fired. Instead of fired, though, he became the employee that named a monorail after poop.

But then again, WGASA.

Does This Water Taste Funny To You?

2010-02-02T12:00:00.000-05:00

I spotted a horrifying co-worker story in the news:

Charges Filed In Water Bottle Fouling Incident

By Amanda H. Miller, Jackson Hole, Wyo.

November 8, 2008

A Jackson man faces three misdemeanor charges after police matched his DNA to semen in a co-worker’s water bottle.

Brandon Raz, 38, was issued a summons Wednesday to appear Nov. 20 in 9th Circuit Court. He is charged with two counts of battery and one count of stalking after authorities say he ejaculated into a woman’s water bottle.

The woman told police Oct. 9 that she picked up her water bottle once in September and drank from it before she realized it tasted and smelled like semen. She rinsed it out and didn’t say anything about it to co-workers, according to an affidavit filed in circuit court, and she started taking her water bottle home with her.

Between August and September, she also found rolled up tape on her bike seat on four occasions. She left her water bottle on her desk over the weekend in early October and came in Oct. 9 to find that the water again smelled of semen. She reported the incidents to police.

Jackson police collected voluntary cheek swabs from 35 male employees where the woman works for the Town of Jackson, police said.

The Wyoming State Crime Lab would have taken more than two months to return DNA results, Jackson police Sgt. Scott Terry said.

So investigators conducted interviews and identified a suspect, a co-worker at the Town of Jackson. They sent his DNA sample off to a private crime lab, which charged about $2,500 to process it, Terry said.

Raz admitted to police that he ejaculated into the woman’s water bottle on two occasions, according to court records. Each misdemeanor carries a maximum penalty of up to six months in jail and a maximum fine of $750.

What a strange investigation process that had to be for the male employees. I can only imagine the police questioning:

Have you ever, at any time, jizzled in a co-workers drinking water bottle?

I imagine this guy wasn't invited for birthday cake in the conference room after this. "Hey, that white cake icing strangely resembles....."

*gag*

Sunday Funday

2010-01-31T10:00:00.001-05:00

Signs, signs, everywhere there's signs....

"If I could write for the free help, then I wouldn't need it, would I?!?"

Angelina Jolie was seen taking advantage of this sale.

How do you go about proving that they qualify for the free stuff?

Go toward your own butt. Apparently it will lead you to the restrooms.

Ah, romance. Pork the one you love.

Very clever usage of a disposed appliance. Not good for the environment, but definitely clever.

I Love Chicken!

2010-01-30T11:42:00.001-05:00

This has nothing to do with co-workers or jobs or anything, but so bizarre I had to share...

Apparently this guy has great love for his chicken. Note him cuddling and playing with it on the floor of an NYC subway train...

The chicken part is definitely nutty, but what's crazier to me is having voluntary bodily contact with the floor of a New York City subway car. Now THAT'S insanity.

Ew.

On a side note, where does one get a live chicken in the middle of a city?

Snot My Problem

2010-01-29T10:00:00.002-05:00

At the clothuing store I worked at, I had a coworker that I will call Jenny. Jenny had a problem. You see, she had a nose job in her teens that left her with no feeling in her nose and right below it. Plus she had allergies. When her nose ran, she had no idea it was even running. She would be taking care of customers at the checkout with big trails of snot hanging down over her upper lip. My favorite Jenny moment was when her nose actually DRIPPED on a woman's purchase, after which the woman said, "I am NOT taking that one."

That's a pretty bad problem. I can't think of any solution other than:

That's just snot right, DancingQueen.

Free Booze

2010-01-28T10:00:00.001-05:00

Yesterday we made mention of a stupid liquor store robbery attempt.

Well, this video shows the clumsiest, most accident prone liquor store robber ever. He just keeps getting worse with each subsequent move he makes. Check it out for yourself:

My favorite part is when he gives up at the end, sits down on a keg and has a smoke while waiting for the police to come on in.

Ten (Or Maybe Just Eight) Stupid People

2010-01-27T10:00:00.001-05:00

Here's another one of those stupid people in the news kinda things. I did try to verify these, and as far as I can ascertain, the only ones that are definitively false are 4 amd 10. Which sucks, because I loooove number 4. The rest are either factual or at least have some kernal of truth to them.

1. When his 38 caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach California , would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.

2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men
to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.

3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. 'Understandably', he shot her.

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer....

$15. [If someone points a gun at you and GIVES you money, has a crime been committed?]

7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.

8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."

9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti , Michigan at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.

10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle Street , he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline, but he plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.

As for there being a tape of number 7, I searched and found the following - but it has two idiots rather than just a lone fool, so it may not be the right one.

That's Just Grate!

2010-01-26T13:53:00.002-05:00

I worked at a supermarket deli years ago, and one guy I worked with (I will call him Kevin) had another job in construction. Since he worked with his hands a lot, they were very rough and calloused. Anyway...

The deli had a service where if the customer brought us a block of cheese, we would grate it for them at no extra charge. If the customer who requested the service was rude or an a$$hole, or even if Kevin was just in a bad mood that day, he'd grate some of his callouses into the cheese.

I adore grated parmesan. But I will never look at it the same again.

Barf.

Say cheese, Greg!

Vicious Valets

2010-01-25T10:00:00.002-05:00

It's always kinda fun to drop your car off with a valet, isn't it? You feel all movie star-ish, popping out of your car while handing your keys over to someone else to take care of the mundane details of things like parking.

But as you saunter off to your destination without a care in the world, confident your car is in good hands....

I do have to give them one bit of credit though - they are good drivers. I mean, how do they NOT hit all that concrete surrounding them while they do this crazy stuff? Since I assume they've probably been fired by now, they should probably see if NASCAR is hiring.

Sunday Silliness

2010-01-24T09:23:00.002-05:00

I love me some bad tattoos...

Yes, yes, it is so bad.

This one is pretty amazing in it's complexity. But those aren't generally the kind of globes one uses to map places.

Screaming baby getting eaten by a shark! Surrounded by bloody water! On an armpit! So pretty and feminine.

I'm sure girls are totally impressed by this. But why does there appear to be an STD lurking between the shoe heel and the....

well, you know.

This is most likely the whole sum of what is in his head if he thought getting this tattoo was a good idea...

And these next two are totally weird, but show an excellent sense of humor if you ask me!

Boozin' Bookkeeper

2010-01-22T10:00:00.001-05:00

One day, our bookkeeper came in looking a bit unsteady, and smelling like a distillery. She told us she had been to a Bachelorette Party the night before, and it lasted until about three hours before she needed to be at work. We are a fairly easy goimg group of poeple, and nobody said a word to our boss, who didn't come out of his office much anyway. It was all fine, until she started writing checks. She paid wrong amounts to the wrong payees, but the worst was when she added an extra zero to a $1,000 payment. When the boss found out, she stupidly 'fessed up that it happened because she was drunk. (!!!)

Fired!!

Wow, I'm suprised she got fired. If I get taken to task by my boss, I always figure my best excuse is to say I was wasted at work and all will be forgiven. Can't imagine why it didn't work for her.

Cheers to BillyJames for this one!

Finger Lickin' Good

2010-01-21T12:35:00.001-05:00

We have lunch meetings all the time, where we order in food and sit around the table in the conference room. My colleague, who I will call Jim, is a very, VERY large man. Morbidly obese. We actually have to bring in two arm-less chairs for him and push them together so he can sit down. He's a really nice guy, but he has some unusual habits. One is that he brings a WHOLE roasted chicken in for lunch every day. I think he also has some breathing issues, so when he eats, he does so with his mouth wide open. This drives another colleague, who I will call Jane, batty.

One day we were at one of these lunch meetings, and Jim was eating his chicken as ususal. He was covered in chicken grease and chewing loudly with his mouth open. I could see Jane growing more and more tense, until she finally stood up, slammed both hands down on the table and screamed "Close your mouth, you f*cking pig!" As soon as it came out of her mouth, she gasped, covered her mouth with her hands, started to cry and apologize profusely.

Jim took it all in stride, suprisingly, and said he has heard way, way worse stuff about himself than anything she had said. Bizarrely enough, Jim and Jane are very good friends now, and he even attended her wedding.

Aw, how sweet. All's well that end's well and all that.

I pity poor Jim, though, having to hear worse things about himself than f*cking pig. My usual funny (or at least I think it's funny, others may not) commentary escapes me on this one, since I just feel kinda.....sad.

:(

Now I have a craving for roasted chicken, JulioJJ.

Terms Of Endearment

2010-01-20T10:00:00.002-05:00

A woman I worked with was having an affair with a male coworker. She thought it was 'loooove' while he wanted nothing more that an occasional *bleep* (bleep added by me, although I have no problem with words like *bleep*, or *bleeping* or *bleepity-bleep*. I just don't want to offend anyone else who may be less crass than me. Or who may be reading at work).

One day she found out the 'terms of endearment' he was referring to her as when he spoke to other male coworkers. They included slam piece, easy lay, etc. Spreads as easy as warm butter was my favorite. (Sorry, I couldn't bleep these. 'Cause they're kinda funny.) She ran over to his cubicle crying, and grabbed whatever she could reach on his desk and hurled it at him. Coffee (while still in a mug), cellphone, random papers. I think the stapler probably hurt the worst.

They were both summoned to the boss's office, and given a lecture on proper work demeanor and inter-office dating. As far as I know, they have never spoken to or even looked at each other again.

Well, THAT must have made for a tension-free office environment, no?

I'm sure all the rest of the ladies in the office were lining up to date him. What girl doesn't swoon at being called slam piece?

Never heard that warm butter one before, JerryCola45!

A Correction (Of Sorts)

2010-01-19T10:44:00.003-05:00

A reader of this here 'lil ole blog (Hi, Andrew!) made me aware that some of the Darwin Awards I posted the other day may be inaccurate, kinda like this one for instance, and he was kind enough to check out Snopes for me. He writes:

Sorry, but I think your Darwin Awards entry may be a tad off. I didn't check them all, but at least one of them is pretty much known to be false:

the JATO winner: see snopes.com/autos/dream/jato.asp

I went and looked on darwinawards.com, but didn't see your list. I found a very different list. You should check it out.

I don't mean to hurl egg on your face, but please check out snopes whenever someone sends you something that sounds a little questionable.

My Dad had sent me the awards run-down, and I didn't think to check if he was involved in proliferating bogus information (just kidding, Daddy! Not throwing you under the bus here or anything!!).

So I guess the lesson here is: (you think I'm gonna say always check your facts, right?)

Take me with a grain of salt, 'cause I can be mistaken here and there. I'm just here to provide some chuckles.

Plus I'm lazy. Facts, schmacts, I always say (Well not really. This is the first time I have ever said that. But you get the point).

Thanks, Andrew! And stop hurling those eggs, will ya? ;)

The Candy (Wo)Man

2010-01-18T11:50:00.000-05:00

Today's is short but "sweet":

I worked with a woman who definitely had an eating disorder. She literally survived on nothing but coffee and Skittles. Morning, noon and night.

The sweet part I mentioned was the Skittles, of course.

If that's all she eats, one day she is gonna simply disappear into thin air, just leaving behind a vague scent of Skittle-ish coffee...

As for me, if I had to choose a particular sort of candy to live on, it would have to be Snickers. Those suckers are good.

Make sure to get your four food groups, HollyNewcombe! Or is it five? I think I got a D in Health class...

Sunday Funday

2010-01-17T10:00:00.008-05:00

Facebook is a fun social networking tool.

Well, most of the time....

I really, REALLY love this one.

"Let's have it at Justin's house, he's GREAT at keeping secrets!"

I'm predicting Patrick loses a girlfriend in this new year.

Just go along with it, okay Greg?

And then ask for a loan.

Makes me think of Tweeting Twit...

"Mom! I told you not to read what I posted for the whole world to see! I have SOME standards, ya know?"

I really want to know what "Micheal" is permanently invited to.

And whether it's Tracy who can't spell or was it "Micheal's" mom.

Or, I suppose, maybe even the nurse who wrote out the birth certificate. I have heard that's how Oprah got her name - her mother had planned on naming her Orpah which is apparently a biblical name, but the nurse transposed some letters.

Enough trivia tidbits, moving on...

"Darius! I'm totally LMAO at the fact that you just informed my dad that you ejaculated on the back seat of my car! What could be, like, funnier?"

You know JoeMc was out in her car with a blacklight to see if there were any stains caused by "that black guy". Nice phrasing there, apparently he is as big of a doofus as his spawn.

Tongue Wagging

2010-01-15T12:18:00.001-05:00

Got ya all a good one for Friday...

I used to work with a woman who was out of her mind. I will start with the small stuff. Keep in mind that all these bizarre activities weren't done just in front of coworkers, but her bosses also.

She used to come into people's offices and put her feet on their desks. If there was a sweater or jacket in your office, there was always the possibility she might come in, put it on and wander off, leaving you to find your item where ever she might have left it. She would play with her boobs in meetings, like adjusting them and squishing them around in her top. One time she even sat through a meeting making Scotch tape loops and then putting them down her shirt, saying it was showing too much and she needed to tape it down. Most people would do that in private, obviously.

The craziest episode was one day during a lunch meeting in the conference room. We knew she was nuts by then, so when she said "Do you want to see what I can do?" We all said "NO!" But she did it anyway...

She started by massaging both sides of her neck vigorously. After a while, she opened her mouth and stuck out her tongue. Her tongue was the scariest thing I have ever seen. It was all huge and engorged, with a big swollen ball on the end. Not to be crude, but very much like an erect penis. Somehow her neck rubbing caused her tongue to become puffed up with blood. As we all sat frozen in shock, she grabbed her tongue, wiggled it around to release some of the blood, then pulled it straight down and under her chin. We all got up and ran from the room, but she still didn't get that she was insane and these were not normal office activities.

In case you're curious, coworkers have told me there are examples of other people doing this same thing on YouTube.

Okay, I tried to find these videos. But you would be amazed and quite possibly horrified when you look for videos using the search terms tongue, erect, and massage. So I gave up before I became permanently traumatized.

I gotta go and bleach my brain....

I hope your company pays for your therapy, HighHeelLvr!

2009 Darwin Awards

2010-01-14T10:00:00.002-05:00

It's that time again... The Darwin Awards are finally out, the annual honor given to the persons who did the gene pool the biggest service by killing themselves in the most extraordinarily stupid way.

This year's winner was a real rocket scientist.... HONEST!

Read on...And remember that each and every one of these is a TRUE STORY.

And the nominees were:

Semifinalist #1

A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting drunk cheaply, because he had no money with which to buy alcohol, mixed gasoline with milk. Not surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, and he rushed to vomit into the fireplace in his house. This resulting explosion and fire burned his house down, killing both him and his unfortunate sister.

Semifinalist #2

Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low altitude when another plane approached. It appears that they decided to moon the occupants of the other plane, but lost control of their own aircraft and crashed.
They were all found dead in the wreckage with their pants around their ankles (HARD to control light airplanes when everyone moves to one side).

Semifinalist #3

A 22-year-old Reston , VA man was found dead after he tried to use octopus straps to bungee jump off a 70-foot rail road trestle. Fairfax County police said Eric Barcia, a fast food worker, taped a bunch of these straps together, wrapped an end around one foot, anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped and hit the pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think Barcia was alone because his car was found nearby. 'The length of the cord that he had assembled was greater than the distance between the trestle and the ground,' Carmichael said.

Police say the apparent cause of death was 'Major trauma.'

Semifinalist #4

A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. It seems that he and a friend were playing a game of catch, using the rattlesnake as a ball. The friend -- no doubt a future Darwin Awards candidate -- was hospitalized.

Semifinalist #5

Employees in a medium-sized warehouse in west Texas noticed the smell of a gas leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the building extinguishing all potential sources of ignition; lights, power, etc.

After the building had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas company were dispatched. Upon entering the building, they found they had difficulty navigating in the dark.. To their frustration, none of the lights worked. Witnesses later described the sight of one of the technicians reaching into his pocket and retrieving an object that resembled a cigarette lighter.

Upon operation of the lighter-like object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of it up to three miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians, but the lighter was virtually untouched by the explosion. The technician suspected of causing the blast had never been thought of as ''bright'' by his peers.

Now, to the winner of this year's Darwin Award
(awarded, as always, posthumously):

The Arizona Highway Patrol came upon a pile of smoldering metal embedded in the side of a cliff rising above the road at the apex of a curve. The wreckage resembled the site of an airplane crash, but it was a car. The type of car was unidentifiable at the scene. Police investigators finally pieced together the mystery. An amateur rocket scientist ... had somehow gotten hold of a JATO unit (Jet Assisted Take Off, actually a solid fuel rocket) that is used to give heavy military transport planes an extra 'push' for taking off from short airfields. He had driven his Chevy Impala out into the desert and found a long, straight stretch of road. He attached the JATO unit to the car, jumped in, got up some speed and fired off the JATO!

The facts as best as could be determined are that the operator of the 1967 Impala hit the JATO ignition at a distance of approximately 3.0 miles from the crash site. This was established by the scorched and melted asphalt at that location.

The JATO, if operating properly, would have reached maximum thrust within 5 seconds, causing the Chevy to reach speeds well in excess of 350 mph and continuing at full power for an additional 20-25 seconds.

The driver, and soon to be pilot, would have experienced G-forces usually reserved for dog fighting F-14 jocks under full afterburners, causing him to become irrelevant for the remainder of the event. However, the
automobile remained on the straight highway for about 2.5 miles (15-20 seconds) before the driver applied and completely melted the brakes, blowing the tires and leaving thick rubber marks on the road surface, then becoming airborne for an additional 1.4 miles and impacting the cliff face at a height of 125 feet leaving a blackened crater 3 feet deep in the rock. Most of the driver's remains were not recoverable. However, small fragments of bone, teeth and hair were extracted from the crater, and fingernail and bone shards were removed from a piece of debris believed to be a portion of the steering wheel.

Epilogue: It has been calculated that this moron attained a ground speed of approximately 420-mph, though much of his voyage was not actually on the ground.

You couldn't make this stuff up, could you?

Teacher Of The Year

2010-01-13T10:00:00.001-05:00

I am a Kindergarten teacher. At my school, I have a classroom that is connected to another teacher's classroom by a swinging door. My neighboring teacher was always a bit high-strung to say the least. She always told other faculty how much the kids pissed her off, and she had a particular dislike for a couple of her students. Truly, I have no idea why she ever became a teacher, except maybe because she likes her summers off. Anyway, one day I hear her start to yell. But not just yell, I hear her screaming at her students that they are a bunch of spoiled, evil little sh*ts, and she wished their parents had used birth control.

Wait, that's it? What happened to her? Did the 'powers that be' just say, "You're right, they ARE a bunch of evil sh*ts! Bravo!" and let her keep teaching?

Don't leave us hanging, Stringer!

Macho Man

2010-01-12T11:56:00.001-05:00

I work as a bartender. The bartender who works most of my shifts alongside me is a very good looking guy. He is always flirting with the female customers, and they adore him. They all want to go out with him, but he's very coy and plays hard-to-get. He is also a total "man's man", all macho with the male patrons, commenting on women's boobs and butts. He rakes in the tips.

He should win an Oscar for acting though, because as soon as he gets off duty he becomes his real self - very flamboyantly gay and he enjoys frequenting clubs dressed in drag.

He and I have some great laughs after our shifts, recounting the women drooling over him and the men pointing out boobs to him that he couldn't care less about.

I corrected what I assume was your typo for you. Unless the two of you really DO have great laughs after your sh*ts. If so, email me and I can change it back.

Happy bartending to ya, PinkyEll!

Call Of Doody

2010-01-11T10:00:00.003-05:00

Warning: If you are about to eat, stop reading now.

I warned ya....

I had a boss who was an absolute tyrant. When we had meetings, no one was allowed to leave the room for any reason. He was afraid someone might miss one of his precious gems of wisdom, and he'd have to (the horror!) repeat himself. So he made it very clear that we had to take care of our bathroom and other needs before the meeting, as no interruptions were permitted.

We were in a meeting one day when one of our co-workers, I will call her Marcy, did not look well. She was pale and sweaty, but knew she had to stay put or recieve the wrath of the boss. She was squirming a bit in her seat when all of a sudden this noxious odor filled the air. Yup, she had sudden and explosive diarrhea. It soaked through her pants and onto the chair, and as she stood up to run to the bathroom, it wasn't stopping, and was running down her legs and dripping onto the floor. It was the most disgusting thing any of us had seen, and we all went runnning from the room also, gagging as we went. Poor Marcy stayed in the bathroom until it abated, and we brought her plastic garbage bags for her pants and loaned her an extra pair of sweatpants someone had on hand for gym purposes so she could go home.

Our boss didn't have any sympathy whatsoever. He called Marcy sickly and weak. As for Marcy herself she quit over the phone and never came back. I did hear she sued our boss and the company for these inhumane policies, but as we all know the wheels of justice turn slowly and I left the company before the matter was resolved.

Wow, I have such pity for Marcy, yet I am also incredibly nauseated.

Was the conference room closed off permanently as a biohazard? And. more importantly, did anyone ever have to sit in Marcy's chair?

Thanks to HarvardHoney37, for this totally sh*tty submission.

Sunday Funnies

2010-01-10T12:41:00.000-05:00

Fun with the news:

I think we've found our suspect...

I wonder who was the poor schmuck that had to stay behind and get this on screen while everyone else was running for their lives?

Long lasting, for those extra creepy families.

So exciting, I hope the residents can stay composed...rather than decomposed.

Heh.

Well, THAT had to hurt.

And most likely resulted in:

Marty Grass For President

2010-01-08T10:00:00.001-05:00

I worked with a woman who was rather dim. Luckily, her job was pretty much just basic filing, although sometimes I even questioned her grasp of the alphabet. Anyway, some of my favorite moments:

When one of our colleagues went to retrive a folder she had filed, he couldn't find it. When he asked her, we found out she was filing according to FIRST names. So the sections with common names, such as J with all the Johns and Jameses, were stuffed.

In February, there were signs all over town about Mardi Gras celebrations. She came in to work and said "Who is Marty Grass? Is he running for president?"

She heard people talking about using sick time for "mental health days". She then told our boss she would be mentally sick the next day and needed the day off.

That's actually sort of...sad.

That Marty Grass ran a great campaign, doncha think? He sponsored half priced drinks at my local bar in February...that gets my vote!

Good luck straightening out your files, JeannieLTR!

Tweeting Twit

2010-01-07T10:00:00.002-05:00

I worked with a young woman who was addicted to all that Facebooking and Tweeting crap. She would actually update her status on Facebook and tweet continously during the workday. Her really dumb move though was to request our boss as her friend. The boss took note that she was wasting time online all day, and took her to task on it...and guess what? As soon as the boss left her desk, she went on Facebook to say "Omg, my boss is so mean to me all the time, I think she has something against me but I just don't know what!!" The boss sees this, and confronts her again the next day on it, letting her know she doesn't 'have anything against her' but she needs her to WORK and not PLAY on Facebook. Next day rolls around, this woman calls out sick. But her Facebook says:

"Can't take work stress so took a mental health day! Beachin' it!"

So then it was Bye, Bye, Facebook queen!

Did she forget she 'friended' her boss? 'Cause that just ain't too smart.

Okay, time to go de-friend my boss and update my status...

Thanks for the tip on what NOT to do, KellyAnders!

In The News: The Weirdest Of 2009

2010-01-06T10:00:00.000-05:00

Finger Lickin' Good: Don't Try This At Home

By Ed Orum

There's a certain chicken chain where "finger lickin' good" has proved to be advertising gold.

This isn't a story about that.

It's the tale of former British supermarket employee who has taken the idea to a new level of bizarreness.

30-year old Adeel Ayub is facing criminal charges for, among other things, licking raw chickens and placing them back on store shelves for unsuspecting shoppers. Digest that for a minute while you ponder how he didn't contract salmonella, and you're probably wondering why anyone would do such a thing. As they say on TV, "But Wait, That's Not All!"

Seems Ayub was dumb enough to let a co-worker tape the shenanigans.

The video is now making the rounds online, and it shows some of the laundry list of offenses including urinating into garbage cans, throwing raw eggs, slashing his colleagues' clothes, discharging fire extinguishers and playing rock star in the break room by tearing up the place. There was also a game of stockroom baseball with items destined for store shelves.

Ayub worked for four years at the British supermarket chain Asda, which is owned by Walmart. While he has already apologized for the antics - which took place a few years ago - he gives no reason for his extra-curricular activities. He's due in court later this month.

So of course I searched for the video, so you don't have to:

In The News: Weirdest Of 2009

2010-01-05T10:00:00.001-05:00

Employee Stabs Himself To Get Out Of Work

How far would you go to get out of work? The Denver Post reports that one man was actually willing to harm himself physically.

29-year-old Aaron Siebers walked into work at Blockbuster Video Monday night with a deep stab wound in his leg along with several other superficial knife wounds. He told his boss that he had been stabbed by three men dressed in black then reported it to the police.

Five police agencies and a K-9 unit formed a manhunt to search for the suspects. Detectives also interviewed Siebers and reviewed videos from a nearby Target's surveillance cameras. Unfortunately for Siebers, the footage showed him walking from his bus stop to the store with no indication of an injury.

After further questioning, Siebers finally confessed that he actually had stabbed himself because he didn't want to go to work. He was arrested and charged with two misdemeanors -- false reporting and obstructing a police officer.

The moral of the story according to the Police Department's spokesperson "If you are going to concoct a story about being stabbed, don't do it near a Target store."

The PD's spokesperson added "Near a Wal-mart. yeah, fine, go ahead and stab yourself, but by Target it's a no-no."

In The News: The Weirdest Of 2009

2010-01-04T11:45:00.003-05:00

The $1 Million Striptease

By Ed Orum

After suffering through eight years of being harassed by her male colleagues, a British businesswoman wants her final paycheck - $1 million dollars.

Haley Tansey is suing her former employer for all the ways she was wronged over the years as a traveling loan manager at a bank. Testimony from her ongoing trial sounds like the storyline of a late night cable movie!

How's this for creepy? The married mother of one says she once woke up in a hotel room with the feeling of being watched. When she opened her eyes, she saw her male colleague standing over her bed, watching her sleep. Asking him to scram only made matters worse - he went into the bathroom and came out naked!

The two weren't sharing a room - the co-worker had managed to sneak his way in by telling a hotel employee he was her boyfriend and was too drunk to open the door.

Part of that was correct - the man was apparently pretty tipsy - some reports say he downed ten beers before the stripping stunt. Earlier that night, Tansey thought she was in the clear after successfully avoiding flirtatious advances from the married father of three before they retired to their respective rooms.

While this might be the most bizarre story to come out of the trial, apparently there are plenty of other reasons that forced Tansey to quit her job - including colleagues bragging about their bedroom antics, the exchange of X-rated DVDs and "grading" the female staff.

Sunday Silliness

2010-01-03T10:00:00.001-05:00

Despite dumbed down exams, some pupils take a creative approach to tricky questions. You won't know whether to laugh - or cry.

In The News: The Weirdest Of 2009

2010-01-02T10:46:00.001-05:00

Peeping Tom Spying On Co-workers Gets Busted

By Ed Orum

Putting a spy camera in your bathroom at work doesn't exactly scream "team player."

There's certain amount of trust we place in our co-workers. Day in and day out, we're clustered together in close quarters, participating in office pools and celebrating seasonal holidays with pot-luck lunches.

25-year old Miguel Bribiescas of Elgin, Illinois broke that trust, and the law according to The Daily Herald.

The wood-flooring company employee admitted to police that he had placed a pen-sized spy camera in a bathroom at his work. His plan to angle for an ogle of his female colleagues didn't exactly work out -Bribiescas has pleaded guilty to a felony charge and faces up to three years in prison.

Bad for him, but how creeped out must his co-workers be? Cops say the camera was able to sneak a peek at just one female co-worker before it was discovered.

When authorities looked at the tape, it wasn't as salacious as you might think. Apparently Bribiescas isn't a tech genius, nor is he the brightest criminal on the block. Most of the video shows the perp himself looking into the lens in an attempt to figure out how to use the device.

A picture is worth a thousand words - and in this case, something tells me Bribiescas won't be getting employee of the month.

Happy New Year!

2010-01-01T10:00:00.011-05:00

It's New Year's Day, so this is the best you'll be getting out of me:

Okay. Back to bed.

Some hair of the dog, maybe?